I could punch a hole in the nearest wall
I could tear every hair out of my head
I'm crying hot tears of pure temper
I haven't felt such over whelming emotion in a long time and I just don't know what to do
Needless to say I saw my doctor this morning
I spent days rehearsing what I was going to say
I was incredibly anxious going in but I was almost 100% sure that he would understand and put me back on my original dose of methadone if not a higher dose
In answer to his first question of how my week went, I told him that I'd had a pretty horrific time
I explained that I wasn't as stable as he thought I was and had been topping up my methadone nearly every day
I told him that I had seen Mary and when she saw the state of me she told me to go straight back to him if not the mental health service
I told him that I had thought about drugs more this week than I had in that last year and was terrified that I would relapse
My distress was obvious
And do you know what he said?
He said 'Well I'm not changing your dose'
Why not?
You managed to get through last week so it can't have been that bad
I got through last week by the skin of my teeth, please can you put me back on my original dose
No I'm not doing that
How the hell am I supposed to manage? Do I not get any say in my own detox?
You told me you were stable
Well I'm telling you now that I'm not one bit stable
There has to be consequences for messing around, you could have told me last week that you weren't ready for this
It's hard to be honest but I'm being honest
I'm not changing your dose
By this stage anger was boiling was in my blood and my inner bitch came out
I'm not at all an violemt person but when I'm angry I use the only weapon I have, my words
I told him that he had no clue, not one iota of a clue what it's like to be an addict
To feel such helplessness and desperation
Sickness and using are the things I'm most afraid of
Either could kill me
I am his one and only methadone patient and I just don't think he has the experience to deal with someone like me with a dual diagnosis
Yes, he is a lovely man and has been good to me over the years but I do question some of the decisions he makes
We argued back and forth for half an hour
I don't know why I pushed him, it was obvious his mind was made up
I told him that I would much rather come off the olanzapine first as I am just as dependent on that
He said that olanzapine is not addictive
I told him that anything is addictive if you are an addict
Be it cocaine or cornflakes
Now I was sitting with my head in my hands refusing to answer his questions
He wrote out my prescriptions and I snapped it out of his hands walking out as he was in mid sentence
Not quite believing what had just happened
No wonder addicts lie if this is what happens when you tell the truth
I'm sure I ruined his whole day but he could be ruining my whole life
My poor mother bore the brunt of my distress
I drove home at brake neck speed giving out yards about my doctor
When we got home she immediately rang Mary
I spoke to her too
Or as best as I could through tears
She said that the reason he probably going ahead with the detox was because of my pancreatitis and impacted bowel
But he has never once said those words to me
The only thing he has said about the pancreatitis was that he thought it was a 'coincidence'
Mary made a few suggestions
That I go back to my doctor with my mother
That I present at mental health services
That I go to my support group
As I listened to her I calmed down a little but I'm still incredibly upset
I just can't stress enough how difficult it is to have something taken away from me that I completely rely on
Mentally and physically
And I have been thinking about drugs a lot
That scares the shit out of me
I watched the film 'Sherry baby' last night and as I saw her take heroin I swear I could almost taste it
The urge to use is immense
The thought that all this stress could melt away with the prick of a needle is so temptimg
But in reality I know that that would cause twice the trouble
It's just not an option
So where do I go from here?
I really don't know
I could go back to my doctor but I think that's pointless
I guess I have to suck it up and manage the best that I can
But having this crap on top of my eating disorder is sucking that life out of me
I'm so overwhelmed
So afraid
So angry
So drained
I can barley stand to be alive never mind face reality
It's all too much
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow
Thank God for Mary
She'll know what to do
