Honesty

Ok
I need to be honest about a few things
Everything is not well over here in Recovery Land
Something is amiss
And I'm not quite sure when or why it happened
All I know is that over the last couple of weeks
My purging has increased markedly
And I've lost more than a few pounds
My Mother has commented that  my face looks thinner
She said very seriously that she hopes I don't spin out of control again
God I don't want that to happen
I really don't
I know a couple of weeks ago
I was going for long periods of time without eating
And of course that culminated in a binge
Which culminated in me purging
And once I purge once
I seem to do it again and again
Lather, rinse, repeat
Last night for example
I wasn't aware that I was jumping up out of my seat every few minutes
I was up and down
And in and out of the kitchen like a yo-yo
I didn't become aware of it
Until my mother commented that I was very restless
And I was
Everytime I got up
I had something else to eat
And then purged afterwards
I knew in the lead up to my going to Dublin
That I was stress eating
But I thought that was because I was nervous and anxious about my trip
But now the trip is over
I am still eating and purging
I won't say binging and purging
Because what I am eating does not constitute a binge
Then this morning
My sister kept asking me if I was ok
She said I looked very pale
And eventually said that she had noticed that I had lost weight the last couple of weeks
I feel terrible
Because I don't want to be worrying my family
I am barely a few months in to my recovery
And it seems to be slipping through my fingers
I was reluctant to write this post
As I said I don't want to worry anyone
But I have to acknowledge where I am
That I am indeed struggling
And may need extra support
Especially at this time of year
When stress levels are high
I know one thing for sure
I don't want to go back the way I was
Sick
I don't want to be that person
I can'r go there again
I just can't
I have to much to lose now
My family has too much to lose
Things are just beginning to turn around for me
But I have to admit
I am not fine
I don't feel fine
The happy glow from my face has disappeared again
I feel like I am slipping
I am grappling with my hands to hang on to the little bit of recovery that I have
But every day it seems further away
As I always say
This is not my first rodeo
This is not my first slip
Or relapse
I know the way they happen
They creep up on you
And you don't realize it until you are up to your neck in it
By then it's almost to late
The damage is done
I know what I need to do to stop this
To get off the speeding train that is a relapse
But knowing it
And doing it
Are two completely different things
It's no secret that I struggled to come to terms with my weight re-gain
I was delighted when I thought my weight was settling
But now it is going down and down
And I feel powerless to stop it
I don't feel the thrill of weight loss any more
The only thing I felt when my sister remarked that I had lost weight was sorry that she was worried
There is no pleasure in this thing any more
That left a long time ago
Now all that is left is bitterness and resentment
Confusion and fear
I don't want to be sick again
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
I don't know if I could do this all again
It had taken so much out of me
Again
I was reluctant to write this post
As I didn't want to let my family down
I didn't want to let you down
I know my story have given you hope
And I really don't want to take that away
But in the same breath
I have to be honest about where I am at
And where my head is at
I'm not ok
I'm not fine
I'm afraid
I'm confused as to why this is happening again
When it is the last thing that I want
I know what I need to do
Ask for help
Tell people I am struggling
I guess that is what I am doing here
Letting you know
And asking for help