Home Sweet Home?

I'm home
I was discharged yesterday after failing to meet my weight target for the umpteenth time
I had to gain 1.7kg to stay in hospital
An impossible task
I had been water loading in order to not be sent home but it came to the point where it was getting ridiculous so yesterday I decided to do it the honest way for once
I prepared my parents for the fact that I probably would be coming home
Still, it was so hard to ring them yesterday morning to come and get me
Their disappointment was palpable
I spent 7 week in treatment
And gained the grand total of 0.1kg in all that time
How pathetic
I didn't manage to get on top of the purging either and only got one day purge free
In my first 2 weeks I did get the purging down to once a day but then it gradually started to increase again
My med were increased in hospital
Quite a lot
My olanzapine was increased and I was also put on a sleeping tablet
In fact I am on so much medication now that I find it hard to get through the day without falling asleep
The last two weeks I was falling asleep in every group
So I was missing out on a lot
It' not all bad though
I do have the option to go back after Christmas so I think I will
I also made some amazing friends in hospital
I always do
I miss them so much already
I am determined not to start the binging and purging again
It was killing me
Being home is lovely and I was so delighted to see my dogs
But I am back in the place where my ED was rampant
I have no appetite and the temptation to lose weight is very strong
I am not going to start weighing myself
I'm going to try and keep some structure to my meals
I am going to keep fighting
There was a lady in treatment that I got very friendly with
She was 55 and had been suffering from her ED for 40 years
40
Years
She was so underweight it was shocking
It scared me so much
It still scares me to think of her
I glanced through some other blogs this morning
One blogger wrote how she had lost x pounds
There were 5 comments congratulating her
I just don't understand that
Surely we should be trying to help each other
Encourage each other
Not urge each other on to lose weight
That is just so wrong to me
Surely we have learned by now that losing weight does not make us happy
It does not make us more popular
Or more loved
Or more successful
All it mean is that we weigh less
That we take up less space
I have been there
Trying so hard to shed the pounds
Because once I reached x pounds then every thing would be ok
But it wasn't
In fact it made everything worse
Now the number doesn't matter so much
I know losing weight won't make me happy
But I still can't stop
Even knowing everything I know about EDs
I still can't stop
I'm not sure where to go from here
Or what to do with this blog
All I can do is take it day by day and meal by meal
I'm home
I'm ok
I'm still fighting