I truly love you all
I'm home from hospital
God, it's so good to be home
Sleeping in my own bed last night was heaven
I remember the last time I was in hospital I was perfectly content to be there
But this time I just wanted to get out
I felt suffocated
It all started on Saturday morning
I was awoken early with a pain in my left side
I do get pains and twinges from time to time so I wasn't overly concerned
I got up and made tea and had a smoke
But the pain was getting worse and was unlike any pain I've had before
I went to my mother to tell her and she said that I looked awful
As I lay on the couch I got weaker and weaker
I was so hot I was sweating and very clammy
My condition seemed to be deteriorating rapidly and the pain was only getting worse so mam rang NowDoc but all she got was an answering service
It was so scary as we just didn't know what to do
Not willing to risk my getting worse mam rang as ambulance
I lay on the sitting room floor writhing in agony as I waited for it to come
It was only half an hour but it felt like an eternity
The ambulance guys really were great
By now I was freezing so they wrapped me up well and bundled me in to the ambulance
My blood pressure was so low (70/40) that they couldn't give me anything stronger than paracetemol for the pain
My mother stayed behind to organize someone to look after my dogs and followed us in
We arrived at the hospital and I was seen straight away in A&E
My doctor looked about 12
They wanted to put me on a drip to get my blood pressure up so they had to put a line in
What an ordeal that was
2 doctors tried for half an hour to find a worthy vein
They checked one arm
No luck
The other arm
No luck
Hand
No luck
I just wanted to scream 'Hurry up and give me some fucking morphine!!'
Then they tried my feet
The doctor said he was using a needle that they usually use for babies
After 6 years of heroin abuse my veins have all but collapsed
He managed to get a vein in my right foot but it was so small it was pretty useless
Just then an older doctor came in
He tapped the crook of my arm twice and got a big juicy vein first time
Halleluja!
Now at least I could get pain relief
First they gave me Tramadol but it made no difference
Then they gave me morphine
I could feel the warm sensation through out my body but it didn't touch the pain
Over the next hour they gave me 4 more shots but I got absolutely no relief
They couldn't up the dose as my blood pressure was still too low
I felt so bad
The pain was unbearable and I just couldn't get comfortable
They thought that it might be my bowel so a male doctor had to inspect my 'back passage' as they call it
Talk about leaving your dignity at the door
They also gave me an enema but it made precious little difference
My bloods showed that my pancreas was inflamed so that was what caused the pain
And I can't begin to describe the pain
All I could do was curl up on the trolley and pray for it all to be over
I truly felt like I was dying
Eventually I was brought up to the ward and in to a more comfortable bed
I was completely wiped out
However I did have the presence of mind to ask for a sleeping pill
Once and addict, always an addict I guess
I slept straight through the night and all of the next day and night
I only woke up properly on Monday
I forced myself to have a shower as I was beginning to stew in my own sweat
I had an endoscopy in the afternoon
A camera was put in to my stomach to see what was up down there
But the sedation didn't work properly and I ended up throwing up every where
It turned out that I had pancreatitis
There are a number of things that cause it
The number one thing being alcohol
But I don't drink so that was ruled out straight away
They also thought that my meds could have caused it
And of course the purging made it worse
So it looks like my meds will have to be changed
By Tuesday I was feeling a lot better
I was still in pain and my BP was still very low but at least I could walk now
Psychiatric services came to see me in the afternoon
The doctor explained that it was really important that I stopped purging or my condition would worsen
He said things had to change
He asked me if I thought I was fat
I said I did
He said that in fact I needed to gain to weight
I was really quite surprised to hear that
I also had an ultrasound done that day
And because I was having so many tests done, I was fasting most of the time
Not that I was missing out on miserable hospital food
By Wednesday I was really ready to go home
I was restless and bored and just wanted to get out of there
I had to wait around all day to get the results of blood tests and at 6pm I was finally given the ok to go
My father came to collect me and I wasn't in the door of my house when the hospital rang
The doctor told that I also had an infection in my stomach
I was afraid they were going to ask me to go back in but they just told me to see my own doctor asap
It was such a relief to be home
Back in my comfort zone
My bubble
I wish I could say that that was the day I turned eveything around
That I vowed never to purge again
But the truth is I purged twice that day
I swear, I never seem to learn
It didn't feel the same when I purged
My stomach felt weaker
Less able to preform the act
I just hope that I haven't done any permanent damage
The whole experience was scary but not for the reasons you might think
I wasn't afraid of dying
I really wasn't
But it made me realize how alone I truly am
I have relied on my parents all week
For everything from minding my dogs to just being there
My brother and his girlfriend came for the weekend and my sister made a brief appearance on Saturday but apart from that there was no one else
No one to call
No one to help
And that scared the shit out of me
My parents are not getting any younger
They won't be around forever
And how will I manage then?
I have no idea
I can't rely on my sister as she wants nothing to do with me
I've pushed all my friends away and that is my own fault
They say that when the shit hits the fan you find out who your true friends are
And when it came to the crunch, all I had was my parents
This terrifies me
Someday in the not too distant future I will be alone
I can't let that happen
Today I went to see my own doctor
I put on jeans that I hadn't worn in a week and they felt looser
It felt good
But how sick and twisted is that
My internal organs are failing and I'm getting off on the fact that I've lost weight
I really disgust myself sometimes
But that's the nature of this cruel illness
Today I feel ok
Not 100% but ok
I'm motivated to get the purging under control
I bought food today that I'm comfortable with and avoided binge food
All these years I've kidded myself that I've been getting away with my eating disorder
That it wasn't affecting my health
That getting ill would never happen to me
But I can't live in denial any longer
It's happening
My health is failing
And anorexia and bulimia are to blame
I'm anxious to see Mary as I know she'll be able to help me make sense of all of this
Things have to change
I have to change
I'm afraid to try recovery but at this moment I'm more afraid to stay like this
Is it too late for me?
Can I turn this around?
I hope so
I truly hope so
