Hermit

It seems that I struggling to get out and aboutAnd do my normal daily activitiesMore and more I am refusing invitations to go placesOpting to stay at homeAnd drift in and out of sleepI haven't been to a meeting in weeksI didn't go to my nephews birthdayDidn't go and see his flying lesson Missed various trips and meals outIt just seems to be getting harder and harder to push myself out of the comfort zone that is my house
What I am doingIs getting up really early in the morningDoing everything I need to do Like walking the dogs and shoppingHaving it all done before 10amThen heading homeAnd spending the rest of the day thereBarely moving from my seat on the mat in the living roomI only go from them kitchen to make teaFrequent trips to the bathroom because of said teaAnd back to my mat I am literally going around in circles over here
I'm not seeing friends I'm spending more and more time alone Even speaking less and lessYesterday we went out for lunchAnd I decided to go as it was my Auntie B's last dayBut oh my God What a palava to get out of the houseIt was lashing rain And all I wanted to do was put on a tracksuit And zone out in front of the TVBut I went And tried my best to be sociableI won't go so far as to say I enjoyed it More like endured itI had no appetite And ate very littleAnd purged what little I did eatI was just glad to get home Put on my pyjamas And pretend the world didn't exist 
I don't know what it is I meanMy mood is okThings should be okBut as ever  I  am creating problems where there are none I think they call that the art of over thinkingEvery time I leave the house I just can't wait to get homeI say it's because I want to get back to the dogsAnd it isBut it's more that I want to get away from whatever situation that I am inI just can't handle life outside the little bubble that is my house
I guess it could be due to the fact that I'm trying to avoid so many peopleThe BoyThe PlumberThe ShopkeeperPeople I used to use with It's like being in a real life computer game Avoid the gremlinsAnd I gain more pointsIt's just a pain in the assI want to be able to go whereverWhenever I wantI don't want my house to become a prisonI want to want to just be a normalOh to be normalAnd not batshit crazyHowever I hear that normal is over ratedSo maybe I am better offI don't know
My doctor is off again this week So I saw Nice Woman Doctor again this morningAnd will also be seeing her next weekAs my doctors day is packed with appointments alreadyI briefly told her about what's going onHow I'm supposed to be starting a course next monthAnd I don't know if it's going to happenBecause of my disabity being cutShe wrote me a letter Saying that the course would be of Therapeutic value for me So now I have two letters So hopefully that will do the trickI had resigned myself to the fact that the course wouldn't happenBut now I really want to do itI meanWhat else will I be doing?I think it will be good for me
I left the doctors with my letterAnd headed to the chemist to pick up my medsThen at 9 30amI had an appointment with BredaMy addiction counsellorAfter going through a stage of cancelling my appointmentsI am now making an effort to keep themI only see Breda every two weeksAnd she is really helpful Very practicalAnd very straight which I appreciateI td her about struggling to leave my houseAnd not going to meetings I described how my problem is actually getting out the front doorOnce I am out the door And in my carI am fineIt's the anxiety of thinking about it before hand that gets meUsually the event itself is fineAnd I wonder why I was so anxious in the first place She suggested that I make a daily planAnd try and pace myself And also go to a meeting as soon as I canAs the longer I leave itThe harder it will be to go back
I also told her about Mums retirement doAnd how I had two drinksI linked that to the stress I felt about making the speechAnd even when it was overI still wasn't out of the woodsShe asked me why I took on making the speech if it caused me so much stress I told her that everyone else refused to do itAnd I wanted to do it for MumBreda mentioned that I need to be assertive in these situationsAnd I know thatIt's just really tough sometimes to say no
But all in all It was a positive sessionBreda told me that I am doing wellAnd life is getting better for meThere are just a few tweaks I need to makeShe asked me how my eating is goingAnd I was pleased to report that it is going wellI'm not starving or bingingMy weight is stable Yes, I purge from time to timeBut nothing like the way I used toBreda told me that I look really wellAnd I was able to take the compliment and thank herAnd things are going well ED wiseMy weight fluctuates a lotBut I haven't been underweight in over a yearI think back to that timeAnd the never ending binging and purgingWhat a miserable existenceI'm surprised that my heart didn't give outAnd I didn't drop dead from all the stress I put on my poor bodyBut the great thing isThat I don't hate my body the way that I used toI am a healthy weight for my age and heightI am curvyI have boobs and a bumI can now fill out a pair of jeansAnd you know what?I don't mind itWhen I'm in the shower I notice my thighsAnd they are shapelyLike a grown woman is supposed to meI don't live itBut I don't hate it either I am learning to accept itAnd go by how I feelRather than what I look like
I'm sure you have noticed that I don't write about my ED half as much anymoreThis blog started out as an ED blog And it will always be one to a certain extent But now I have so many other things to write about Like life And everything it throws at meIt's amazing to not have my ED controlling meIn everything I doIt doesn't dominate my life any moreMore and more it's becoming a smart part of my life Amen to that 
So yesI know what I need to do to get back on trackI will do my best to get to a meeting this weekI will make a daily planAnd use my tools to manage stress and anxietyI have come too far to turn back nowI know that with a little bit of effortLife could be so much better So much more fulfilling I know that just as quickly things can go pear shaped They can also turn around just as quicklyI have the awarenessThe knowledgeAnd the skills and tools to improve myselfI have the abilityI just need to knuckle down and do it
I know that a lot of you are struggling right nowWith various different issuesI just want to tell you today to never give upAs long as we are aliveThere is hope Hope for a better lifeFor better mental and physical healthyNo matter how low you goThere is always a way back upI promise you that I had written myself off as damaged goodsA failure A mistake I though I would die young Heck, I wanted to dieI couldn't handle life RealityAnd everything that went with itI felt so lost So alone My blog and my dogs and my family are the only things that kept me goingMy ED was killing me slowlyAnd I welcomed itBut now Now things are so much betterMy life has taken a complete 180And it wasn't until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had beenMy depression liftedMy anxiety lessenedAnd the incessant binging and purging came to a screeching haltMy quality of life has improve so so muchI think back to a couple of years agoAnd I had all but given upSo my message to you today is to keep goingKeep the faithKeep hopingAnd believingKnow that there is a way outThere is life after addiction and mental illness And it is a life rich with love, laughter and funDon't give upThat's exactly what your ED wants you to doDon't give in to herDon't forget that you are a good personYou are worthwhile You do matter You are special So pleaseTodayGo easy on yourself Take some time to be kind to youTo be gentle in youBecause you matter I promise you that