My family asked me what I would like to do to celebrate it so I suggested we go for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
Again? I hear you cry
Yes this will be the third time I have gone for afternoon tea in the last couple of months but I love it!
It's a really lovely thing to do so expect lots of photos next post
Castle Dargan
I swear I blinked and a year went byBirthdays are a funny time of year for me
More than turning a year older, it's a reminder that I've clocked up yet another year in the midst of this illness13 years and countingAlmost half my life13 years of living this half life13 years of weight loss and weight gain13 years of recovery and relapseOf treatment and therapyOf medicationOf being on the edge of societyOf isolating myselfOf being is self destruct modeOf hopes raised and dashedOf seeing doctors, psychiatrists and therapistsOf hating myself and loathing my bodyI've given my ED the best years of my life and I'm not willing to lose another decade
I remember 2 birthdays ago I panicked at the thought of another year of being eating disorderedI rang a treatment center with the intentions of admitting myselfBut I never got beyond the initial phone callIt took me a year to muster up the courage to ring back
This year has to be betterIt just has to beThe last 12 months have been a roller coasterCrippling lows and euphoric highsI crave evennessSteadinessBalanceBouncing from top to bottom makes me feel a bit crazyI guess I just want to feel normalAs in not low and not highSomewhere in betweenSomewhere I can have peace of mindWithout the voice of my ED screaming in my ear
I do feel hopeful about this yearHopeful that I can turn a corner and embrace recoveryNot just play the part of a recovered personAnd I do play the partAnyone who knows me or knows anything about EDs can see through the thin veil of my actBut to the untrained eye I think I seem perfectly fineI want to 'walk the walk'Not just 'talk the talk'I know that I have a long road ahead of meIt can take months to recover physicallyYears to recover mentally A life time to get over it completelyBut that's okI'm in it for the long haul
PS. Mum's present to me was a trip to the hairdresser, here's the result!
