Athletics Magazine

Grab Bag Fail

By Brisdon @shutuprun

You know I like to take risks.

It’s fun to do one thing every day that really scares you. Yes, you might wet or shart yourself a little, but you will find confidence in that fact that you tried and survived the unknown. There are millions of ways to do this from talking to that person who you think is a snot (they might just be shy) to jumping out of an airplane to running with scissors.

Or, if you are me you take your risk by ordering the Grab Bag swimsuit at Swim Outlet.

Basically, you pay a lot less for a brand name suit ( at least 50% off) because you are leaving it up to the powers that be to select the design for you. You pick the style and size, they pick the pattern. SCARY!!! Like, as scary as it is seeing your own mother naked.

One day last year I got home from an innocent swim at the pool (land of hair balls) and discovered my suit had become see-through.


Yes, it was a fashion statement and yes, everyone at the pool enjoyed the show. Even the TSA guys came over because they could see more of my under parts with me in this suit than the could with their fancy x-ray gadgets at the airport.

At that time I decided to try my luck with the Grab Bag. I am risky, but I am also very, very cheap.

Grab Bag Fail

Jackpot x 2. Here's what I got last year. Not too shabby.



So, this year as I realized my suit was falling apart in shreds around my body, I tried my luck again with the Grab Bag. I was confident, cocky even, that the suit that arrived would be outstanding.

I am not too picky about my lap-swimming suits. I mean how good do you have to look to go back and forth 402 times at the local rec center? I just need it to not fall below or inside of my crack, not be see through and to stay on my body. Easy peesy.

The package arrived, and my heart rate increased as I tore into the envelope. I love surprises. Especially bathing suit surprises. Out came this Speedo thing:

Grab Bag Fail

Cute you say? No, not so much in person. It’s one of those fake cute things you see online that transforms to something else completely when it is in your hand or on your body.

This suit might be fine if I was Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island or Gidget. It might be fine if I was going on a picnic on a Sunday afternoon. It might be fine if I was 8 years old. I’m not even going to model it for you because when I wear it I appear to be 8 years old.

I could almost deal with the plaid pattern if it wasn’t for the strange way this fits. It has this weird ropey tie thing around the chest that freaks me out. Maybe the lifeguards and I could play tug of war?


I have told you time and time again how I have very little boobage and even for me this thing is TINY. The whole thing is just a train wreck. The only redeeming quality is that it retails for $54, so I feel like I got a deal since I spent $29.99.

But Deal or No Deal (just like the show), this suit that could hold only a negative A-cup is going back. Good thing I didn’t take that nasty panty liner out of the crotch.

Ever try the Grab Bag option with suits or anything else? This is my third suit and only fail. Two of three ain’t bad, like Meatloaf always said.

What do you think of the suit? Thumbs up or down? Down.

Ever order something online that was nothing like you thought it would be? Yes, that mail-order groom from Saudi Arabia. He smelled like camels.


PS: If you’re feeling sassy, consider a vote for me over at Circle of Moms. Click HERE.

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