Galway

I'm heading away today for a few days so I might not get to post until Sunday or Monday
A huge part of me doesn't want to go at all
Bulimia wants me to stay at home and take full advantage of having the house to myself
She wants me to stock up on all my favorite binge foods and binge and purge until I collapse
She wants me to stay in my pajamas all day and watch tv
She wants me to isolate and avoid people like the plague
But I'm making myself go
After all it's not all about me, it's my brothers book launch
It's a huge deal for him and I want to be there
He and his girlfriend have been a massive support to me over the years, so it's only right to support him back
It's incredibly difficult dealing with an eating disorder is someone else's house
I find it really stressful not knowing when we are going to eat and where
It's like all the control has been taken away from me
So my plan is to eat along with everyone else and purge
I'll do this by eating smaller portions and eating regularly so I don't get the urge to binge
I'm already having separation anxiety at the thought of not being able to weigh myself every morning
I did consider bringing my scale but that would be weird
I know there is a scale in my brother's kitchen but the number would mean nothing
My weight was down again this morning
I've started to keep a record of it and it's slowly but surely decreasing
It does worry me a little
I'm sure my family will notice that I've lost
They'll hug me with pity in their eyes
God, I hate that look
That look that says 'Oh you poor thing'
I hate that look
I'm quite anxious about the next few days but these are the kind of things I need to do in order to get well
To do the opposite of what my eating disorder wants
I won't let anorexia and bulimia win this weekend
They will be angry but they will just have to suck it up
I'm also slightly dreading the whole social thing
I spend so much time on my own that now I'm a bit socially handicapped
And having to make polite conversation and eat at the same time is just too much
I didn't see Mary this week so I really missed
She is a tower of strength for me and she knows just what to say to help me
But I will go today
I will make an effort to be a sane person
I'll try to be normal
I'll try to be stable
I'll do my best no to let my ED ruin this weekend for me
I did think about leaving her at home as she is an unwelcome guest
But of course it's not that simple
I may try to leave her at home but no doubt she will stow away in the bottom of my bag and make an appearance
There is no getting away from her
Please think of me this weekend and wish me luck
All my love,
Ruby x