From Bad to Worse

Things with my sister have gone from bad to worseWe made up after out fight last weekBut things erupted again last nightThis time with my poor mother in the middle of it allWe had a short but nasty rowIt escalated so quicklyAnd now there is a sour atmosphere in the houseI spoke to my mom this morningAnd she seems to think my sister has such a short fuse at the momentBecause she is coming off her meds I think I mentioned beforeThat my sister has suffered with depression in recent yearsAnd is on an anti depressant Recently she had started to come of itAnd she has been like a bull dog chewing a wasp for the past couple of weeks 
Of course I am not entirely innocent eitherWe know each other wellAnd know exactly how to push each other's buttonsI know how to wind get upWhat will drive her madIt escalated so quicklyOne minute we were fineThe nextWorld war 3 was breaking outMy mother called us both in to the kitchenAnd tried to broker some sort of peaceBut neither myself or my sister were willing to back downStubborn as we areMum made the point that we all have to live togetherWe all have to find a way to get onThis is trueAnd mom is retiring in a couple of weeks So there will be three of us in the house from then onIt's rally not fair to have mom in the middle of this And I hate that it's effecting her so much 
They say you should never go to bed on an argumentWell we did last night And woke up this morning feeling almost hungoverWith a heaviness in my headI went to the doctor  first thingIt was Nice Woman Doctor againShe asks how I am I hesitate And she asks what that is aboutI tell her that I am thinking of moving out on my own Which I amIt's always been in the back of my mind And these rows have just kind of made it more urgentI can't say too much to the doctorAs she is also my sisters doctorWe talked for a little whileShe told me to weigh up the pros and cons Which I will do
But yes I am seriously thinking of moving outIt's not just the tension with my sisterNow that I am feeling a lot betterI have a huge urge to be independent To do my own thingTo have my own little corner of the world The more I think about itThe more I think it's a good ideaI spoke to my mother about it this morningShe advised me not to make a decision out of anger And not to rush out in hasteI know what she is saying And I won't rush in to anythingI guess it doesn't hurt to find out what my options areObviously I am on disability benefitAnd won't be able to privately rent So I will have to find out what I am entitled toIn the line of rent allowance and such
I just can't live like thisIt's not healthy for any of us And I'm sure my sister is just as fed up as I amI know that I am no angel I give as good as I getAnd I do acknowledge that my sister is coming off her medsAnd is probably not herself these days But I can't live like this With this horrible atmosphere lingeringAt the momentNo one is happyNot meNot my sister Definitely not my motherWho is caught in the cross fire
This week the plan is to stay out of my sisters wayGet to a lot of meetingsTalki things over with Breda and Mary I'm interested to see what they think about the situationMeet my friends Marie rents with rent allowanceSo I will pick her brains about how to go about applying for thatI will also inquire about what my options areThere are so many empty houses around hereDo it won't be hard to find a placeIt really boils down to how I will manage financially At the moment I have few billsNo rent to payI contribute a certain amount every week to shopping and billsI pay my own car tax, insurance and my phone billIf I move in to my own placeI will have considerably more out goings Money will be a lot tighter So I guess I have to weigh up which is more importantTo live here in the tensionAnd have more disposable incomeOr move out and have that independence but less moneyAt the moment The latter seems more appealing to me
They say you can't pick your familyAnd it's so trueMy sister is home nearly a year nowAnd although we've had the odd fight in that timeThings have deteriorated a lot in the past couple of weeksUsually we get on like a house on fireBut that fire can turn nasty very easily And now it is suffocating us bothSo the option of moving out seems really attractive right now When I was very illMoving out just wasn't an optionI needed the support of my family I wouldn't have been able to manage on my ownThere was always someone here with meBut now that I am feeling physically and mentally betterI crave independence so so muchDon't get me wrong I love living with my mumI love this house And I know it's company for mom tooI've always felt very at home here It's given me the time and space to recoverI've been living here ten years nowAnd although I've loved itI just have the feeling that it's time to move onTo spread my wings a bit moreAnd find my own little placeHere Even though I feel very comfortable I'm living in someone else's houseUnder their rulesI want to make my own rulesI want to do things my wayTake responsibility of my own life
Of course Honey and Lea would come with meAnd I do acknowledge that it would be a huge change for them tooThey know no other way other than living hereAnd they are so comfortable hereSo at homeThey place I move to would have to be animal friendly There's just no way on this earth that I would move without them 
ButAs I said I won't make any rash decisionsI will investigate my optionsPut the feelers out And go from thereI must admit though It's really exciting to think of having my own placeThe other thing is that I have to be able to trust myselfLiving on my ownIt would be do easy to use To drinkTo starveTo binge and purgeI need to be sure that I can manage those thingsAnd to be completely honestyI'm not entirely sure I can trust myself 
Do that's where I'm at todayI would love to get your thoughts on the situationDo you think I am being rash?Do you think insipid wait?What do you think I should do about the situation with my sister?I'd live to know......