Friday 8 January

Yesterday was toughI broke down in tears on three separate occasionsOnce with MaryAgain on the phone to my DadThen later on to MamIt felt like everything I've worked forIs crumbling underneath meAll the hard graft I've put in to my recoveryGone in an instant My Dad wanted to come and see meBut he lives over an hour awaySo that wouldn't be fairMy Mam is amazing as alwaysTelling me with such convictionThat I will get wellShe said that she has every confidence that I will get through thisI wish I had her faith Because I fear for my own sanityI really do There is only so much that the body and mind can take 
At the momentDepression is clouding my judgement It sits on my mind like a dark cloud that constantly  rains I think Mary and the psych are rightI'm not getting the benefit of my medsBecause I am purging so much I need to get this under control I really can't go on like this I have too much to lose at this point 
I have a follow up hospital appointment today I'm not entirely sure what or whyBut I guess it's good to get checked outI got my blood test results too yesterdayMy potassium is a little lowBut nothing to be too concerned aboutJust keep an eye on it for now 
One thing Mary talked about yesterdayIs occupationAnd having something to doBecause I don't do very much at the moment I walk my dogsI do house workI read I watch TV I don't do a whole lot outside of the houseI think I need to expand my horizonsI want to check back With the dog shelterFind out about the local writing groupMaybe start social dancing In case you are wondering what social dancing is I'm not entirely sureBut I know it involves people and dancingAnd what's not to love about that?I might even meet a nice farmerI am a country girl now after all....
LookThe thing is I know what I need to do This is not my first rodeo I also want to go back to my support groups Even though I am convinced no one likes me thereBut I'm at the point where I don't really care if people like me or not I need to go for myself And if I go to the meetings I feelComfortable at And as Breda says I don't need to speak if I don't want to I just need to be there Soak up the recovery And leave the rest
So The plan of action Is to keep my appointments With all the professionals Because I have been known to cancel appointments when I don't want to face my issuesTake it easy over the weekend Eat wellRest Relax And then Monday Hit the ground running And find some interesting and worthwhile things to do I'm really interested in volunteering In any capacity really With animals for sure But also maybe the elderly The sickPeople who are lonely I actually think I get on better with peoe who are older than me I feel more comfortable with themAnd am more myself So that's something to look in to 
At the moment I am just one decision away from getting in to bed Pulling the covers over my head And forgetting about everythingI know I could easily fall apart at a moments notice But I guess at times like this You fake it till you make it Pretend until it becomes realI'm a firm believer in that 
Also I know I say it a lot But thank you Thank you so much for reading For commenting, emailing and texting Your support has helped hold me together recently It means more than you will ever knowI just hope that I can do the same for you