Friday

As my Mum and I both have free travelWe got the bus up north to my uncle Ds I started packing two day agoI love packing I love sorting out clothes to wear Mixing and matching different outfitsI always bring too many clothesAnd usually I buy a couple of things So my case is bursting on the way homeWe arrived her at about 3 30pmDropped our bags off at the houseAnd then walked in to townI am on the look out for a nice over sized shirt So I had a look in a couple of shopsAnd tried on a fewUsually I am my usual impulsive self And buy something But today I couldn't make a decisionAnd so left the shops empty handed We retired to a coffee shopFor tea and a bunLater on we went out for dinner In a local hotel I had a burger and chipsBut didn't really enjoy it if I am honestI did enjoy the company and the chat thoughAfter foodWe headed back to the houseTo relaxAnd watch some TV A nice way to end the day 
Gym monster left an interesting comment on yesterday's postShe made the point that knowing and obsessing about my weightIs directly linked to my moodI had to read the post a couple of times And had a think about it I think she has a point Last summer I was doing wellI felt good I wasn't weighing myself I was going by how I felt rather than what I looked like I was the happiest I had been in a long time So The logical thing to do is to stop weighing And focus on being healthy Instead of being thin I've done it before There is nothing to stop me doing it again Nothing except myself And I am notorious for getting in my own wayTrying on clothes todayLooking in mirrors I don't hate what I seeI don't particularly like it But I don't hate it I can live with it I'm just so tired of fighting with myself Of hating myself Of the cruelty and shame that is this illnessI give up I'm done trying to win this warI'm walking awayI'm giving upThat is not to say I'm giving up on lifeNot at all I'm giving up this God for saken battle This war of willsThe only way the ED wins Is if I dieI'm not willing to lay down my life in the name of this illness Life is too short to play this game of numerical rouletteI don't want this life of guilt and shame I just want to live a normal life My dream is to have my own place in the country A small field where I can keep donkeys A house full of dogs When I'm thinking about my hopes and dreams The size I am doesn't come in to it I don't think about my dream life clothes sizeI think about things that feed my soul Not about what clothes size I fit in toDoes anyone?I don't know....
Today we are going out to my uncles friend Who keep horsesAnd work with people including autistic kids I'm hoping to ride tooIf they can fit me inI spoke to my nephew yesterday He is coming out to the horse center with me on Wednesday To help with the pony campAnd then have a lesson in the afternoonI'm looking forward to seeing the place today Horse riding is opening a whole lot of new opportunities to meAnd I'm loving that It's amazing what can happen when you get off the couchAnd venture in to the big wide world If we just life our heads Stop looking at the cracks in the ground And start looking at the world around us If we look to our fellowsInstead of naval gazing And reach out Instead of closing inI think I have now reached the point of this post where I have officially stopped caring making senseI am now going to make like Sylvia PlathAnd stick my head in the oven Only joking But only justI'm off to see what trouble I can get up toSee you on the next post....