I've seen my doctor twice in the last few days
I saw him Friday afternoon
The main reason I wanted to see him was to apologise
I was resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to change my dose of methadone
He said that there was no reason to apologize but he accepted it
He admitted that was quite annoyed with me for giving him a false picture of how I was
He asked me how I was managing on 25mls
I was honest and and told him I was struggling
Everything was effected from my sleep to my appetite
So he made a suggestion and we agreed to compromise
He put my dose back to 30mls but only on the condition that we start to reduce it again in a month
But instead of 5mls, the dose would be dropped by 2mls
I agreed to this
At least now I have some notice of the change and I can prepare myself
I saw him again this morning
I feel a whole lot better about the whole thing now
At least now I am being honest
I am not holding on to secrets
I'm doing the right thing
I think that addiction and eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies
In order to help myself I need to tell on my ED
I need to do blow it's cover
Do the opposite of what it wants me to do
Easier said than done
Methadone is somewhat controversial
There is a strong argument for and against it and I can see both sides
The thinking behind methadone is that it is a stepping stone between the drug and being clean
To get the person stable
When I was in active addiction my whole day revolved around getting money for drugs and then taking the drugs
I inevitably got involved in crime and my life was very chaotic
Methadone removes that chaos and enables the addict to live a relatively normal life
You take your methadone every morning
You don't have to worry about getting money together as it is free so the person can leave behind s life of crime
You don't have to worry about getting sick and that is huge
Crucially it is not a long tern solution
Complete abstinence being the ultimate goal
But then there is the argument that you are just replacing one drug for another
That you rely on it just as much as you did on the drug
And there is the temptation to abuse it which I have been doing
Doctors get really well paid for having a methadone patient
So the doctor may be reluctant to take the patient off it as he is gaining from it
As sick as that sounds, it really does happen
For me there have been positives and negatives being on methadone
Yes it helped me to get off drugs
It helped me gain some semblance of a normal life
But now 10 years later I am utterly dependant on it
Then there are side effects
It cause me to have severe constipation
And it has ruined my teeth
But I think overall the good has outweighed the bad
Without it I don't know if I would be clean today
I think though that my goal should be to become completely clean
Including being off all meds
Like most addicts I struggle to take these meds as I should
If the bottle of pills says take one, I am the type of person who would take 5
Being on methadone and meds is tough being an addict
It would be like an alcoholic trying to only have one drink a day
It just doesn't work
I don't know if I have gone backwards by going back to 30mls
Maybe I have but I have to do it this way
I have to err on the side of caution
On the food front things are difficult
I tried so hard yesterday not to purge
But I can't stop
I literally can't stop
When I get the urge to purge it is so overwhelming
The house could be burning down around me and I would still purge before I left
It feels like I am out of control
An external force
Something bigger than me
I spoke to a friend the other day
She is a recovering addict and is also trying to recover from bulimia
She relapsed recently and is trying to get back on track
She pursues recovery a different way
She uses Food Addicts Anonymous
It basically AA adapted for food
They follow a very strict food plan
The completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour as they believe they are addictive
They eat at certain times and weigh and measure all their food (even in restaurants, I've seen her do it)
It sounds extreme and it is
But my friend says that even though the programme is so strict, it actually gives her absolute freedom
I have been to a few meetings and I could identify a lot with the other ladies but I really can't get my head around the food plan
I've read the literature on it and I could really relate
I'm not sure if I am a food addict though
And I definitely don't want to be one
The food plan is very healthy and nutritious but it's not a diet
I would worry that I would see it as a diet and be triggered by it
I have no doubt that the 12 step method works
But I just have a huge issue with labelling myself as a food addict
To me it conjures up images of lazy and greedy people
Fat people
However I have no doubt that some foods are addictive and sugar, wheat and flour are the no. 1 offenders
But I don't want to cut them out of my diet
I like them
I may do some more reading and may even go to a meeting
Nothing has worked so far so I have nothing to lose by giving it a go
This the book I was reading
It's called Food addiction, the body knows by Kay Shepperd
With that said I was wondering about you
Do you think certain foods are addictive?
Are there any foods you are addicted to?