Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging breakAnd I did I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for meAs you know I write everydayAnd if I don'tThen there is something most definitely upBut my head feels clear todaySo I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now
You know that I have been seeing The BoyThe Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friendI've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last monthThe first time I met him in a coffee shopThe next couple of times I called to his house The first time I met himHe seemed really togetherHe was just finishing up a courseAnd was starting workI got no bad vibes off himI didn't get any kind of bad feeling off himAll was goodOr so I thought
The next weekHe picked me up and we went out to his houseStraight away I felt uneasyAs I got the smell of weedNow I have a bit of a problem with weedIn that I don't like itAnd never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoidAnywayAs TheBoy made teaHe asked me if I wanted a poppy teaI had no idea what a poppy tea wasHe explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plantPoppy plants which he grows himselfHe showed me the podsAnd I was intriguedHe said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroinAnd did I want to try someHere is the part where I messed upI have no resistance when drugs are put in front of meI haven't got the power to say noSo I said yesAnd proceeded to drink to poppy teas
I felt all floaty and lightIt was like a constantly soft feelingI like the warm saves you get from smoking or injectingGod forgive me I loved the feelingI went home that nightTrying to act like a normal person in front of my familyBut I kept nodding offAnd falling asleepHe gave me some to bring homeAnd I spent the next three days in and out of sleepIn and out of realityI thoroughly enjoyed it
But the thing about using any kind of drug Is that no matter how fast or hard you runReality is always just around the cornerIt's a game of cat and mouseAnd I'm always playing catch upI've wondered about this a lot recentlyWhy I am constantly running from myself and from realityEven before this slipI was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthySo what is it?What is it that I am running from?Myself?My own head?Reality?What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?Is my world and reality so awful?I meanI have everything I could possibly needA caring and loving familyWho want nothing but the best for meI have good support from my doctor and other professionalsI have two dogs who are the light of my lifeI have a small circle of close friendsI have my health for the most partI have no major bills to worry aboutYesMy world is fairly safe and comfortableSo why am I not happy to live in it?
The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my realityI like to feel out of it And out of my own thoughts Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight meBut the thing isI can't have all the things I just mentionedAnd a drug habitI lose all these things when drugs are in the pictureI lose my familyMy friendsI'm not present for my dogsI'm generally a mess
Enter The BoyAnd he challenges that beliefI look at himAnd I see that he worksHe functionsAnd all while using drugsI started to think that maybe I could have it allMaybe I could function with drugs in my lifeMaybe I could find that balanceBut in my heartI know that is utter horse shitI've proved that over the last few weeksAnd it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds tooBack when I had to collect my meds every dayI was doing betterAs it was taken out of my handsBut now I am back to getting them twice weeklyAnd I am all over the place again
SoFirst things firstI need to talk to my doctorAnd I want to make it clearThis was my choiceNo one made me drink the teaThat was all meIt was all meAnd my silly choicesI need to tell himAnd be honest And just see what he says
I don't knowI've always been torn between my own life and my drug life It's been a constant tug of warAnd in the last few weeksDrugs have been winningI need to get back on trackEven though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k itAnd surrender to my need for escapeI know that is not the answer The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to beBecause the truth is that sometimes I resent my realityMy lifeMy familyBecause I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to beFor themLike I am holding onFor themKeeping it togetherFor themAnd when you feel like you are holding it together for othersYou begin to resent them
Sometimes I think to myselfMaybe I should just go and get it all out of my systemGet out of my head one last timeBut I quickly realize that is not the answerI may have another relapse in meBut I don't have another recovery
I guess I need to make a decisionOne way or the otherAs bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction I don't need to tell youThat writing this post was more than difficult But I feel it is important to be honestI haven't told my family yetBut I know I will have to eventuallyIn the mean timeIt's a chance for me to take stockAnd re-evaluate where I amAnd where I am goingBecause right nowI haven't an earthly clue