Community Magazine

Even When I’m Stable, It Feels Like I’m Lost in a Dark Hole

By Dastein

Right now I’m going through hell. As usual I ran out of my subutex and now I’m experiencing horrible opiate withdrawals. Every month I do this, and every time I want to die; in fact I tried overdosing a couple of times, my drug of choice being ambien. What’s scary was, I blacked out one night during an ambien bender, and woke up the next morning to find half my my carpet burned, my keyboard melted, and multiple blisters on my right hand. I guess while I was blacked out I torched my apartment some how. And things only got worse when I realized I had taken the entire bottle of ambien (30 pills). This isn’t the first time this has happened. The day I got out of the psych-ward I overdosed on ativan- I was so desperate to get high


(being that I was initially in the out patient program I had to take a drug test weekly, which meant no more weed or pills. It was an insanely hard period of my life. Not only was I unstable, but I lost the one thing that made me feel sane. Yes, I self medicated, yes it was a bad choice. But unfortunately at the time I thought it was the only way to stop the dark thoughts in my head as well as allow me to converse with other people. And that was the biggest problem, after awhile opiates became a crutch as it allowed me to be a boisterous and gregarious person, constantly talking with everyone and participating in class or in various activities. But like most addicts it got to a point where I was so out of control that my body started to fall apart. Well it was more my mind. There are two points in my life when I had a massive breakdown that had been fueled by drugs. One happened in 2009, right after I quit working for the labor union and hotel- this is a story for another day. And the other one happened in 2011 while I was in graduate school at Claremont School of Theology. I had become so erratic and unstable that one of the professors suggested I should go a hospital or at least an out patient program- I have to thank that professor as he indirectly saved my life. I had to drop out of Claremont due to “mental health reasons,” which is what Claremont put on my record. About a month later I was committed to a psych ward and met my current psychiatrist. At that point I had gone through 3 horrible doctors, all of whom took advantage of me or messed with my head. Dr. G however, was kind and structured. He examined my files, asked me numerous questions and then consulted his books and notes, coming up with a med cocktail that finally calmed my mind down. It was a miracle. He also prescribed me Subutex as a way to stop the cravings and help me move forward with my life).

psychiatry problem

I’m using the above cartoon as a way to show the dichotomy of pharmaceuticals and how they have taken complete control over patient care. Over the last couple of years, I’ve come across all different types of people, who have both been deeply hurt and helped by medication.  And that is what makes it so controversial. Is it worth taking a life threatening risk so that we can be stable? 

Sorry for the long tangent, because my whole body is in pain and my mind is mushy, the words that are flowing out of my mind and into my hands are quite disjointed. But rest assured I will explain everything that has happened in my life, looking back at what my childhood was like, how my mind evolved over time, how I dealt with being diagnosed Bipolar, how I dealt with drug addiction and withdrawals and most importantly what it’s like to bipolar type 1 in today’s society.

My life has taken me to the depths of hell and back. But I wouldn’t change if I was given a chance to go back in time and start all over. The reason being, is that mental illness, the struggle and the drug addiction all humbled me. It showed me how dark life can be and it made me realize how unrealistic our dreams are when in school. Maybe that’s just me as I’ve lost all of my hopes and dreams for a better future

(everything I’ve wanted to do has not panned out and now I’m stuck with endless emptiness and a perpetual feeling of hopelessness. At this point I have no clue what I want to do with my life, I no longer have a dream I’m striving for, rather I’m spending most of my time in a fantasy world created by TV shows. Because I quit using opiates I had to put my addictive nature towards something else, so TV shows became my top choice. I would watch 10+ hours a day and I would feel at home. Not only was I able to escape my life, but the characters became my friends. Real friends that don’t judge or try to take advantage of me because I’m so kind towards other people. Rather, the characters in the show provide me with comfort. Yes I know this perverts the who social thing, but it’s the only thing I’ve found that has curbed my addictions and depression. The sad thing is I only have one friend, he is 20 years older then me, but he is a truly amazing human being. Because I was struggling to pay my rent, he offered me a chance to live with him and his wife. At first I was going to say no, as I hate change and I especially hated the fact that I would have to live with other people. However, my fears ended up being baseless, as I’m left alone and allowed to isolate hours on end. But M and his family (3 kids and the wife) are there for me when I need to talk with someone. M has gone through similar experiences as I’ve gone through. But the biggest thing is that he is optimistic about everything. Although I’m nice and polite to other people, I’m a pessimist. I hate everything, or at least I did. It got so bad that even my last therapist made rude comments to me about being so negative. But I’m trying, I’m working hard to change my entire attitude, so that I’m more accepting of other people as well as accepting the life I was dealt.

My life seems to be a lost cause, but deep down I know there has to be something that is ready to break out and allow me to pursue my next “unknown” dream.

hope and candle

I don’t know if this post works, it’s kind of my thoughts and memories merging together in a disjointed matter. Hopefully it sparks some discussion or at least brings everyone closer. As I’ve said in my previous posts I want to work hard to make this into a thriving and safe community for everyone to take part in. If you have friends or relatives who suffer from mental illness, have them read my, it would mean so much to me.

Well that is the end of Today’s post and this is also the first day of my 30 day writing challenge.

I hope everyone had a great week,


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