Community Magazine


By Rubytuesday
I've written a lot over the past couple of weeks about how things have improved for me
And they haveI am so grateful for thatBut everything is not perfectThe purging has gone from 10 - 20 times a dayTo 1-3 times a dayThis is a vast improvement but Mary says that it is still too muchI have to admit that there is a part of me that is reluctant to completely let go of my EDIt's not that living with an ED is particularly good or funIt's a nightmare most of the timeThe anxietyThe depressionThe negative health effectsThe isolationThe constant fearThe eternal lonelinessThe emptiness of living this wayEven with all these horrible thingsI am still clinging to my ED 
It was a similar situation with my drug takingThe life of an addict is pretty patheticYou wake upTry to find moneyTake drugsGo to bedWake upFind moneyTake drugs......Every day is the exact sameIt's like Ground Hog Day
But even though I living this nightmare I still had reservations about stoppingPeople think that the problem is the drugsAnd it isBut it's more about why you take drugsWhat you are running and hiding fromPeople think that once you stop taking drugsThen  that is the problem solvedBut it's only the beginningOnce you are clean, then you have to face life and realityAnd that's exactly what you have been trying to avoid all this time
In some ways I wonder if I have even conquered my addictionBecause I went straight from drugs to medicationAs you know I am on quite a lot of medsAnd I struggle to take them properlyIsn't that as good as using?I think it might beJust because they are prescribed doesn't mean that they can't be harmful
AnywayI digressBack to EDs
Having an ED is like having a full time jobYou work hard all week ie restricting and exercising And at the end of the week you expect a big fat pay check ie weigh lossIt's an all consuming occupationA thankless taskOnce you have reached one goal it's on to the nextWe never get to enjoy the fruits of our labour
One reason why I am reluctant to give up my ED is that I have no clue what I would do without itWhat would I do everyday?What would I think about?Talk about?Write about?What will I fill the ED shaped hole left in my life with ?I guess there are a million possibilities But nothing captures my attention as much as my EDI just don't know how I would fill my days
I started restricting and purging when I was in a very dark place
It was a coping mechanism
Over time it became a habit
An addiction
One that is so very hard to break
I do it now because I don't know any other way
I don't know life without it
It has become as natural as breathing
I haven't weighed in almost 2 weeks
I'm too afraid
There is  price to pay for being in good form
And that price is paid in pounds and ounces

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