As you know I see my doctor every Monday morning
And have done for the last number of years
It's not so much to do with my ED
Although that is part of the reason
It's more to do with the fact that I am on methadone
I am on 22mls now
I started on 80mls 10 years ago
And it's mandatory that I have to go to the doctor every week to get my script
They won't give more than a week out at any one time
I have mixed emotions about coming off methadone
Part of me is excited to be finally free of it
But another part of me is scared to death that I will relapse
The thing about being on methadone is that if you use heroin on top of it
You won't get any hit off the heroin
Something to do with the opiate receptors in the brain
Because I see my doctor every week
I know him quite well by this stage
And he certainly knows me
He's been one of the nicer doctors I have seen in my life
As I said a few weeks ago
He broke his ankle recently
So the first thing he asked me to do when I walked in to his room was to turn on the light switch
I did
And then told him that he needs a big long stick for things like that
He asked me if my sister had come home
I said that she did
Then asked me how I was
I told him that I have been having some friend drama (More about that later....)
But I said it was good to have problems like that
And not have more serious ones
Like my health
He laughed and told me that I should write about it
It's funny
We rarely talk about medical issues any more
Other things we talked about today were Woody Allen
The World Cup
And another doctor whose father had died
It's nice I guess
We spent so long talking about addiction and EDs
It's refreshing to talk about life
And anything and everything
I mentioned that I am having some friend drama
I won't go in to the details
But I will say that I feel taken advantage of
Used
I think my problem is that I am too soft for my own good
I would do anything for anyone
And some people take advantage of that
This friend is someone that I have known for a long time
And we've been quite close recently
It felt great to have a good friend
To have someone to talk to
To be there
But recently things seem to have disintegrated
She has stopped phoning and texting
And been quite manipulative
I'm not sure what to do
Due to my addiction and ED
I've not had to deal with this kind of thing in a long time
I don't know whether to cut my losses
Or try and save the friendship
The truth is that people can be mean
It's the reason I isolated myself for so long
I just couldn't deal with this kind of thing
I really don't know what to do
I feel hurt
It makes me want to disconnect from people
I spoke to my mother and my sister about it
The agreed that her behavior was indeed manipulative
I have to see this friend today to get something off her
And I am dreading it
I really am
But I guess this is part of life
Dealing with people
My Mother said that this is when I need to be strong
And surround myself with positive people
Sometimes I wonder if it's me
Is it something that I am doing
Do I have a sign on my head saying 'Door mat'?
Do I let people walk over me?
I admit that I am a people pleaser
I like to be liked
And probably compromise myself to be liked
I want to belong
And feel accepted
And I want to help people when I can
Maybe I should put myself first a bit more
Maybe I should be a bit tougher
I just hate this shit
Hate the petty drama
Why can't we all just get along?
I was wondering about you
Have you ever felt used by a friend?
How did you deal with it?
Are you a people pleaser?
How do you find the balance between pleasing others and pleasing yourself?
Please do let me know
