Doctor and Counsellor

Monday morning againThe weeks are just flying byI wasn't looking forward to seeing my doctor and counselor this morningAnd having to let yet more people downMy doctor was some what surprised when I told himHe took the time to talk to and to listen to meBut it's not his speciality His area is the methadoneAnd he at least didn't drop it this weekHe asked me to do a drug testBut I couldn't peeSo we had to cancel thatIt would have been positive anywayBuy I knowIf I keep giving dirty urinesI will be taken off the methadoneI really don't want that to happen
I left my doctorAnd collected my medsThen headed back down to the surgery to my appointmentIt was really helpful to talk to herWe talked about my pastAnd where I have come fromWe talked about what to need to do to help myself Namely cutting all contact with The BoyGetting to meetings Going back to see MaryAnd above all elseNot usingThat is the most important thing My counselor rhinos called BredaLikened this part of recovery to trying to keep water from getting through a damI need to put up barriers and resistance so as not to let the water throughThat makes sense to meI left the appointment clear in my head what I need to doMy mother has told me that if I use againShe will kick me out of the houseI have no doubt that she will do thisAs she has done it before And it was a nightmare I really don't want to go back to the place
I keep having to remind myself that I am an addictI can't use or drink recreationally There are no half measures with meIt is all or nothing I have used quite a bit in the last monthNot every dayBut enough to hurt everyone around me and to leave a trail of destruction in my wakeWhen drugs come in to the pictureEverything else goes out the windowRecoveryLoveTrustHonestyI hate that I have negatively effected so many peopleIt kills meBut then this visceral I signed up for when I picked up that drugWhen you choose the behaviourYou choose the consequencesTo quote Dr. Phil