Decisions, Decisions....

Now that I've been offered a job I'm having to juggle things around To make sure I can fit everything inI really want to continue horse riding Which is at least one day a weekAnd I definitely need to keep going to meetings 2-3 a week is a must I also have to factor in the fact I am caring for my mother at the moment And am pretty much running the house for the foreseeable futureI will be working about 24 hours a weekWhich equates to three shifts So I've decided to postpone my course until September The course will always be there The job might not I am super excited to start working To be a working woman To have extra money To be out and about in the world I anticipate that the job will be very hard workBoth physically and mentally But im up for the challenge I feel ready to throw myself in to it I'm in a good place now My weight is stable My mood is good I feel capable, able and strong And I think this job could be the making of me There are just a few more ducks to get in a row I need to apply to the disability section of the social welfare My psychiatrist wrote me a letter Stating that the job would be of therapeutic value And so allow me to keep my disability benefit So I will get that done today 
Horse riding was so much fun yesterday It's so exciting to start cantering I really feel like I'm making progress each weekAnd that is an absolute joy!Riding is helping me in so many ways It's something to look forward to every week It's really a whole day out for me each weekIt takes an hour to drive there But I don't mind at all Because I love it so much I would travel three hours if I had to The healing power from horses and riding is incredible As you know I feel a great affinity with animals And get so much out of being around them It also helps with my confidence As I am out mingling and chatting with others I'm still a little shy and quiet But I know I will get there I know if I keep doing the next right thing I will be just fine 
As I wrote yesterday It feels like things are finally fitting in to place for me It's only taken me nearly 35 yearsBut at least I got there I think back as recently as Christmas I was so very lost Losing weight Losing my mind I felt like I was a little lost soul wandering around Not knowing what I was doing Or where I was going I had no directionAnd I felt like I was drowning Like life was swallowing me up and spitting me out But I hung in there And things slowly began to change It was Mary who first told me about the horse therapy Our health service subsidies the horse riding as part of therapy So it only costs us €15 a lessonWhich is really good value If I could I would love to ride every day And maybe in the future I willIt has turned out to be a real passionSomething that fills the hole that drugs and alcohol left And that's what it's all about Finding healthy and meaningful ways to not only cope with life But to really enjoy life They say if you do what you loveYou will never work a day in your life I am somewhat late finding out what I want to do in life But better late than never right?
I haven't experienced much happiness in my life And I don't think happiness is a constant thing At least for me it's not It's more like moments of happiness Here and there But at the moment Right now in my life I am as close to happy as I have ever been As well as happiness It's a feeling of contentment A feeling of steadiness Stability A feeling that I am on the right road That I am doing things that I love And that feed my soul It such a relief to let go of all the self hatred and self loathing To stop caring so much what others thinkI spent far too much of my life Trying to fit inTrying to be part of the crowd And trying to get people to like meBut somewhere along the line I was trying so hard That I got lost along the wayI lost myself I used to mirror people If you were loud I was loud If you were quiet I was quietI didn't have the confidence to be myself So I copied you And figured that was the best way to be liked But now I know different Now I know that it doesn't matter one iota what people think of me If I am living my life in a good way With friends and family around meIf I am doing my best To be a good and honest personThen it really doesn't matter what people think of me If I can lay my head down at night Knowing I lived that day to the best of my ability Then I can sleep wellWith a clear conscience I thank my higher power for getting me through the day Without hurting myself or anyone else If I can do that Then it's been a good day 
It takes a lot of courage to be yourself In a world where there is so much pressure on us to confirm Especially on women To be all things to all people To be a mother A sister A daughter A worker A partner We are pulled in so many different directions It's hard to make time for us Time to just relax And recharge our batteries I guess I missed all the years where you develop your personality and your character Usually that happens in your teens and early twenties But as you know I was otherwise engaged during those years So I never really got to grow in to a young woman I found myself in my thirties Feeling like a 21 year old The body and face Did not match what was going on inside I know feel like I am playing catch up to everyone else Like I am ten years behind But that's okI will get there eventually I just need to hang in there 
Today is a good day I feel positive and hopeful about the future I feel like I have a fighting chance at life A happy life even And people If I can get through this Then I promise you You can too It's possible Recovery is possible It's a precious gift We just have to reach out and grab it...