I am going out tonight. This should be a good thing, and really it is, because I'm genuinely looking forward to it. But, at the same time, I am nervous as hell.Social anxiety is not a part of me that I love, or cherish. In fact, I wish that it would just piss off.
The language might seem strong - to some - and I did contemplate changing that to "go away", but that didn't seem strong enough to even come close to how social anxiety makes me feel.
It makes me angry and so frustrated, because it's something that controls me, and I don't like that. I hate not being in control. I don't consider myself to be a control freak - if anything, I'm too laid back for that - but I want to control this.
I want to be able to make friends more easily, I want to be able to talk to people, I want to be able to go to the shop - by myself - when I need something. I want to be able to go to the Post Box when a letter needs posting. I want to be able to go outside for long walks or jogs, on my own, so that I can lose some weight.
A part of me wishes that I'd recognised the anxiety a long time ago, because I've come to realize that this is something that I've been struggling with for a long time - from as long as I can remember.
For a long time, people thought I was being lazy and/or awkward, but I now understand that they were wrong. I wonder how many people with anxiety are wrongly branded as being lazy, when really they would like nothing more than to do all of those things.
I hope that everything goes okay, and I hope that worry doesn't consume me. I hope that I remember to enjoy myself.
Love you always August,
*This series of posts was inspired by the Letters to July series run by Emilieofnewgloom, make sure you check out her YouTube Channel, because she's pretty awesome*
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