Dear 46-Year Old Me,
By now you’ve realized there is NO TURNING BACK! You can get liposuction, Botox, and cosmetic surgery but that is not going to alter the age thing. You’re still going to be 46!
By now you’ve been through so many ups and downs. Death of Mom and Dad; having your brother declared deceased; kicking multiple boyfriends to the curb; getting married; battling skin cancer and so far winning; and entered the phase of perimenopause.
By now you’ve noticed your body is changing. Your boobs are no longer perky and you need to wear a bra when you go out so your books aren’t hanging to your belly button. You bum has started to droop, flatten, and is showing so dimples and craters looking very similar to cottage cheese. Let’s not mention your always been big thighs that are now showing signs of the same dimples that your bum is. Lastly, those hips girlfriend! They just don’t maneuver the way they used to without clicking and cracking! Sounds kind of like your knees after you attempted to ride your stud like a horse, no?
“Image courtesy of Africa / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”
By now you’ve figured out that you no longer need to please anyone other than yourself. If you want to burp or fart in public, you just go with it and blame it either on your ole man that’s with you or that blasted mouse that just ran under the shelves in the store!
By now you’ve figured out that you can go braless and pantiless as long as you stay in the confines of your home. Sometimes even without makeup although that bothers you because the crow’s feet are really starting to look like ostrich feet AND your eyes like you just been in a boxing match.
Let us not forget, by now you’ve dyed those grey/silver stands of hair every 4-6 weeks causing you to no longer remember the true color of your hair without digging out those pictures of you when you were 10 years old. Then you get tired of the dye job, because hell, it’s not cheap is it! If you have lighter hair, you’ve figured out that the silver streaks almost look like highlights and try to play it off that way as long as possible. However, it’s inevitable that you going to have to break down and buy that bottle of L’Oreal or whatever dye brand you use.
By now you have reverted to cussing out your monthly period because it comes and goes as it pleases. There isn’t any rhyme nor will reason to it anymore and sometimes even surprise you in the middle of a lazy sex session with your ole man. Your va jay jay isn’t as tight as it once was but let us not forget, our man toy isn’t as old or maybe older than us and his light saber is decreasing in size and girth. Let’s not take the total blame for this one!
By now you might be saying you’re still 36 for the tenth time and may even pass for 36 however, the digits on your driver’s license doesn’t lie! Let us not forget the AARP information you are receiving in the mail now, along with the social security notices that say you need to work until your 67 to enjoy full benefits. So much for all your hard years of work.
By now you may have reverted to “doing the nasty” by yourself or with aid of s.e.x. toys because you can get off quicker than actually waiting for your decrepit man toy to get ready and go! You may find it easier to just lay there and please yourself than having to do all that foreplay work with your old man and get 2 minutes of poking for 10-15 minutes of pure pleasure. ;)
“Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”
By now you have invested solely in panti-liners because you’ve had too many “wet” accidents when coughing, sneezing, running, and even giggling. Poise has become your best friend on Facebook and Twitter! Rock on Poise!
By now you’ve realized that it’s ok to flirt with young men because they really have no interest in an overweight, graying old hag like yourself but it makes you feel good and gives you something hawt and young to dream about later in bed while laying next to your snoring old hag man toy.
By now you’ve realized that your late nights up watching horror movies on tv while the dog and your old man sleep are happening infrequently now. For some reason you can’t stay up late and you can’t even get up in the morning!
By now you’re probably frustrated on all the changes you have been undergoing but you have to sit back and evaluate the whole situation. You’ve made it 46 years on this earth. Through multiple ups and downs; job changes; good and bad relationships; oodles of Presidents who think they know it all; many international wars; and YOU’RE STILL ALIVE!
BY NOW YOU NEED TO EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE, THIS BEAUTIFUL 46 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHO IS A SURVIVOR AND GETS STRONGER WITH EVERY BIRTHDAY YOU HAVE.
SO Dear 46-Year Old Me, you are a Rock Star girly and don’t ever forget! Embrace who you are, including those two digits, and LIVE YOUR LIFE!
Sincerely,
Your 46 and 4 day Old Me
