I thought that with everything that’s going on around Obesity being considered a disease, I thought it might be a good time to talk about some strategies for dealing with unwanted, unsolicited concern or advice.
Often this comes in phrases like “I’m just worried about your health” or “Somebody has to say something to you about this” or “Don’t you know that blah blah blah is unhealthy” or “I knew a fat person who had a terrible health problems and I don’t want that for you.” Sometimes these phrases are used by people in a tacky bid to soften expressions of hate for fat bias. Those can often be dealth with using an eyeroll and exclamation (try “bullshit!” or “Jackass!) and/or reminding them that jerks raising your blood pressure is bad for the health they are so concerned about.
But sometimes they come from family, friends, or people who feel that they are well meaning. This can be difficult to deal with because, since people seem well intentioned, we can feel obligated to appreciate what they are doing or accept it as ok.
Like everything, it’s your choice how to deal with it, but for me this is not ok. People are allowed to be concerned about whatever they want, but it is not alright for them to unburden that concern onto me. Whatever my level of health, it’s highly unlikely that it will be improved by having people tell me over and over that they assume it’s poor.
It can also be a quiet way to try to say that I am not a competent witness to my own experience, and let’s not forget that however well-intentioned it might be, this kind of “concern” is based on all kinds of myths, misunderstandings, and misinformation and conflates weight and health in a way that isn’t supported by actual evidence.
There are lots of reasons that people may choose to express their concern. There are some who are truly well-meaning, for others it’s about feeling superior, feeding their ego by trying to be the hero who saves the fatty, or something else. For me it doesn’t matter why someone does it, it does not fit within what I consider acceptable behavior. The way that I handle this is by setting boundaries. Of course this is just how I handle it, there are many, many ways and they are all valid.
“I’m just concerned about your health”
Basic responses:
- Don’t be.
- I appreciate your concern, I’m happy with my path to health and I’m not interested in discussing it.
- I’m not soliciting outside opinions about my health.
- My health is none of your business.
- According to research out of Columbia, people who are concerned about their weight have more physical and mental illness than those who are ok with their size- regardless of weight. So every time you try to make me concerned about my weight you may be putting my health in more jeopardy.
- My health is none of your business, but maybe it will comfort you to know that weight and health are two completely separate things and there are healthy and unhealthy people of all sizes.
The things I think but do not say when I’m having a bad day:
- I’m going to need you to start citing some credible sources or shut up.
- I’ve spent hundreds and hundreds of hours researching this – are you an expert on this as well or can we just assume I know more than you about this than you and move on.
- Really. Coincidentally, I’m concerned that all of your worrying will affect your health. Please feel free focus your concern somewhere that is else.
“Somebody has to say something to you about this!”
Basic responses:
- I appreciate your concern but you are out of line.
- I don’t accept your premise, I’m fully capable of making my own decisions and I’m not looking for input.
- No thank you.
The things I think but do not say when I’m having a bad day:
- Perhaps,but it’s not going to be you.
- I disagree.
“I knew a fat person who had terrible health problems and I don’t want that for you.”
- I’m very sorry for your friend but people of all sizes and shapes get sick and it’s not appropriate to assume that everyone who looks like your friend will have the same issues.
- I’m sorry to hear that but I’m not interested in discussing my health with you.
The things I think but do not say when I’m having a bad day:
- Do you give these same warnings to people with the same hair color or height as your friend? If not feel free to go tell some of them and leave me alone.
Regardless of how you deal with it, remember that you have every right to set boundaries and decide who gets to talk to you about your health and how they get to talk to you.
