I was apprehensive at first as Ensures and the like conjure up bad memories of being forced to drink them, hospital stays and just general unpleasantness
But after some thought I decided to talk to my doctor about it
I saw him on Monday
My blood tests came back normal but being the weird eating disordered person that I am, I was almost upset that they were normal
I guess I don't always believe that I have an ED and I look for evidence to show that I do
Does that make sense?
Anyway I brought up the subject of Ensures and he said that he has an issue prescribing them
He said people use them when they are 'too lazy to eat food'
Eh ok
He did prescribe them though
So I arrived home with 20 vanilla flavoured Ensures
But just bringing them in to my house doesn't magically make me gain weight
I actually have to drink the things
Today, 5 days later I am still on my first one
I saw Mary again yesterday for a marathon 2 hour session
I was hoping to gain a bit or at least maintain but I lost another half kilo
I remember the buzz I used to get from seeing the number go down
But now I just feel sad, disappointed, guilty and slighlyt ashamed
Here I am
I have all this help and support and I'm throwing it all away
Throwing my life away
She immediately said that she would have to talk to my psychiatrist
It would be in his hands then
She said she can't enable my behaviour
She can't continue to treat me if I continue with this
She said that there is a team meeting next Wednesday and if things don't begin to improve before then, I may not be able to keep seeing her
I am seeing her again next Tuesday and I have to get the purging under control and at least maintain my weight
I though that seemed like an overwhelming task
But as my mother pointed out I have been seeing Mary for over a year and I do know what to do
I can talk about recovery until I'm blue in the face but until I take action it's all futile
Nothing changes of nothing changes
For the first time ever she mentioned inpatient
She asked if I would be willing to go
The answer to that is that I just don't know
I didn't get any better in treatment
And in the end I still have to come home and face reality
But it's an option and it's something I will think about
Mary showed me a presentation about body image that she put together
Part of it was about body dysmorphia and bigorexia
This is the opposite to anorexia where a person believes they are too small and want to be bigger
She showed me a photo similar to this one
I couldn't hide my shock when I saw it
And said 'That is crazy, does he not know what he looks like?'
Mary said that in his head he believes that his body looks good
She asked 'Do you not think that people think that when they look at you?'
I was stumped
It's true
Looking at a photo of an emaciated person is just as shocking as this photo
'But I look normal' I said
And I really do believe that
I know that I'm not fat
But I also know that I'm not emaciated
I am 8kilos heavier than my lowest weight ever
However I do accept that I don't see myself they way others do
But coming to terms with the fact that I have to regain weight terrifies me
I just can't comprehend it at the moment
I want to get well but -
There's always a but
Always a reason
An excuse
A reservation
Logically I know that I can't fully recover and stay at this weight
As hard as that is to realise, it's true
To make any headway at all I have to address the purging
It's so out of control that I am purging up to 10 times a day
I spend a fortune on food
I spend hours binging and purging
It's a horrible existence
And I say existence because it is not a life
It's a death sentence
So today is day one of Operation Freedom
I started this morning by having tea and half a slice of toast for breakfast
Then I went food shopping with my mother and managed not to buy binge food
That felt so good
Usually I go from shop to shop stocking up
Today I walked around the shop and felt strong enough to resist
I'm talking this bit by bit
Hour by hour
Meal by meal
I can't handle anything more than that
I have to be careful not to go to the other extreme and not eat at all
I have to make good food choices and eat regularly
And distract myself after eating
It's going to be tough
I am prepared for that
I just want to be able to go in to Mary on Tuesday and say ' I haven't purged since I last saw you'
That would just be magic
I got a text this week from a girl I was in treatment with
Since leaving treatment she has gained a lot of weight
Tried to kill herself numerous times
Been sectioned
Developed bulimia on top of anorexia
It was a stark reminder of where this illness can bring us
To the brink
A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between the ED and recovery, it's a choice between life and death
I'm going to choose life
