Date With Your Gynecologist?

Once again, it’s time to get REAL ladies!

So answer me this…..

Why is prepping for a gynecologist appointment almost the same as prepping for a HAWT date?

I mean we spend extra time in the shower, making sure all our girly parts are scrubbed clean.

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Then we spend extra care in shaving all those girly parts and making sure there isn’t a hair out-of-place or hair where it really shouldn’t be.

Next we load on extra deodorant cause LAWD knows we do some extra sweating in the waiting room OR when we are sitting nekkid on that exam table.

Then, we make sure that our arms, torso’s, and legs are slathered in some nice fragrancy type lotion.

Next, we take our perfume or body spare and put a dab or two or spray a bit down in our netherlands, as well as on our chest (by the twins of course).

We then make sure to wear one of our best bras with matching panties. LAWD knows we can’t go to the doctor without our girly part covers matching! 

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

Ya’ll can’t tell me….. it’s just ME!

So then you get to the office and hopefully you don’t have to wait to long in the waiting room cause we all know, you’re sweating getting on that blasted SCALE from HELL!

Off to the exam room ya go and you’re already wishing it was over, right?

Well, if you’re like me, you’re gonna make it fun. You know, kind of like HIDE N SEEK.

If you’re lucky, you get a cloth gown to put on with nothing more than your over 40 cellulite ridden curvy nakedness. Oh, and if you don’t have diabetes, YOU GET TO LEAVE YOUR SOCKS ON! 

So me, I’m making jokes when my Nurse practitioner comes in. Yada Yada hot flash, horrible cramps, heavy flow, irregular periods, yada yada, weight gain, weak bladder (yes, I pee a lil when I run – cough – or sneeze), yada yada yada.

All this time, you’re sitting there in this paper shirt type thing with the front open. So, if you’re like me (rockin my 40D’s), my girls are standing at attention saying “Hello” to the nice NP. And you have this lovely paper cloth across your legs and you’re wondering why the hell is this here when you’re getting ready to say “Hello” and VIOLATE my hoo ha?

Screw it!

I’m sitting there nekkid.

Violate away and make sure you squeeze my right boob one more time than the left because after all, the left one is a tad smaller and not quite as FULL as the left!

Laying on the table, the speculum goes in and she says “You’re gonna feel a lil pinch”.

What? Hell, I didn’t feel anything? Are you sure you’re in there?

You lay there nervously, wondering if she’s gonna slip a finger in your EXIT ONLY door and praying that IF and WHEN she does, you don’t let out a fart cause you dang sure know it’s gonna be a WET ONE!

Your VIOLATION ends and your told that everything looks good.

Wait, How the hell do you know it looks good? Did you see it 20 years ago when I was in my prime? No, then ok. It doesn’t look good.  It looks a lil looser and a lil  more abused and it’s not quite the same color as it once was….. so don’t tell me it looks good! I didn’t pay you a $12 copay to hear you lie to me!

Ugh!

“You can put your clothes back on, there some tissues over there on the right, and then I’ll be back in.”

Tissues?

Don’t I get a shower after that sex? Man! I guess this is what you should expect when, again, you pay $12 to get a morning lay.

She comes back in … yada yada yada…. seems like your pre-menopausal … I’d like to do some blood work AND let’s get

ya scheduled for a mammogram.

No sweat but really…. don’t ya at least have a shower head so I can wash this goop off my hoo ha before I go back to work? Ugh!

Then as you say goodbye, promise to see ya in 6 months, and oh yeah, thanks for the two fingers…. do you think next time you could use three? I’m kinda of lacking in the sexay area at home.

And that’s my version of Date With Your Gynecologist…… oh and

Thank you very much!