D Day

As I type thisI am sitting in the doctors waiting roomI don't need to tell you that I am beyond nervousI just saw him walk byAnd I swearMy heart jumped in to my mouthI lay awake last night Trying to piece together what I was going to say to himTossed and turned as I ran through the conversation in my head over and overTrying to find the right words to explain my situationIt's not easy No one likes to admit that they f**ked upEspecially not to their doctor of over ten yearsI just keep telling myself It will all be over in minutesThen I can accept whatever decision he makes Walk out And start getting busy trying to recover
I'm a big girlI can do this Slips are all part and parcel of recoveryI know thisMy doctor knows thisSometimes it's one step forward Two steps backAt least for me anyway
Edit: just out of the doctorsAnd sitting in the chemist waiting for my medsM doctor knew by looking at me that there was something wrong'How are you doing?''Eerrrmmm ok...''That's a very tentative ok'I sat down and took a deep breath'I've been messing aroundNot with heroinBut with my meds''Ok why are you doing that?''I don't knowI just get anxious and bored and feel the need to break out every so oftenThe thing is I have my interview for my course this week and I really want to get back on trackAnd I'm all over the place at the monentI can't trust myself at all''Are you using anything else?''No' I answered honestly 'Ok' he said ' you know what this means?''I know' I replied'Daily dispensing fot at least the next couple of weeksAnd as well as that I'm going to increase your methadone to 34mls'Then he seemed to change his mind and said he would increase it to 36 mlsI was actually blown away by this That's a 12 ml increaseAny time he had increased itIt's only been by 2-4 mlsSo this is him being very lenientAnd I very much appreciate thatHe spent some time tapping away on his keyboard Asking me questions Then he wrote out my script Told me to try and stay on the straight and narrowI thanked him and leftIt was all over in a matter of minutesI left feeling a bit bewilderedBut glad I can never tell how it's going to go with my doctorSometimes he over reactsAnd gets really frustrated with meOther times he is calm and collected And just gets on with the task in handI know I'm hard workAnd not an easy case I'm sure I'm not who he wants to see first thing on a Monday morningMe with my baggage and endless troubles with addiction and foodIt just never seems to end If it's not drugsIt's medsIf it's not meds It's bulimia or anorexiaI'm sure I am a doctors worst nightmareAnd I am lucky to have the doctor I do He has put up with more than a little BS from yours trulyAnd he is never anything short of kindMy doctor has a conscienceHe is ethicalAnd upstandingAlways doing things by the bookEven though he gets paid handsomely for my methadone treatment He has been trying tirelessly for years to get me off itI've known doctors clock up as many methadone patients as the canAnd keep them on file for as long as they canAll in the name of moneyI've cursed my doctor over the yearsWishing he would be just a little bit crookedAnd prescribe me what ever I wantBut in reality I know I'm lucky to have such a good doctor 
Even though my meds have been taken in hand There is still the opportunity to abuse themI could store my medsBut I feel positive that I won't I have my interview for my course on ThursdaySo I really want to be lucid and compos mentis The increase in methadone will probably have an effect on meAnd make me a little sleepySo I really want to avoid that on Thursday
I said to my mom today 'I don't know if you've noticed but I've been abusing my meds recently' 'Yes of course I have noticed' she replied'I avoid you when you are like that and there is no talking to you.It's like talking to a drunk person'I don't know whyBut I was surprised to hear thisMost of the time I go along thinking they no one else noticesBut of course they doIt's hard not to miss
Hopefully this is the start of my turning around the meds situation once and for allMy doctor said he is going to reduce My methadone over the next few weeksBut I'll believe that when I see itSo all in allIt was a good resultAnd I feel hopeful about the future It just goes to show When I do the right thingAnd be honest Good things do happen
I'd also like to thank all of you for your support, well wishes, advice, comments and emailsYou guys have saved my sanity more times than I can countYour support means more than you will ever knowThank youFor being thereFor listeningReading For your words of wisdomYour honestyYour candourFor telling me what I need to hearAnd not what I want to hearGood friends are hard to come byAnd I am blessed to count you among mine