Counselling

I had my first counseling appointment this morningAnd it couldn't have come soon enoughI used to see this lady a few years agoAnd always found her goodOne of the better therapists I have seen over the yearsIt took me a while to find the placeI had to fight through anxiety in order to drive my carEven though I have been driving for yearsI am not very confidentBut then I am not very confident in general So I guess it spills over in to every area of my lifeAnywayI found it eventually I knocked on the doorAnd I was buzzed in
The counselor showed me in to a roomThere was a clock tickingAnd the obligatory box of tissues on the tableI settled in to my seatAnd we began by talking about where we had left offI stopped seeing her because I was going in to hospitalSo I gave her the gist about what has been happening in my life since then
I explained how I have begun to recoverHow my mood and anxiety have improvedAnd how I have regained weight to a healthy standardShe asked me what I would like to work onSo I told her about my lack of confidence and self esteemAnd how I have very little belief in myselfHow my bulimia persists And how I want to move on with my lifeShe asked me where I would like to move tooI told I wouldn't to be more sociableGet my purging under controlAnd get back in to real lifeAs in doing a courseOr getting a jobShe asked me if that's what I wantI said I feel I should do these thingsAnd I do feel thatIt's not necessarily what I wantBut I feel it is expected of me
The counselor said that I have come so farShe said I had a lot of determination That I can do anything I set my mind toAt one point she said I was 'some woman'I guess I don't give myself credit for all that had happenedI tend to focus on what I haven't doneRather than what I have doneShe listed out the thins o have doneBeaten drug addictionAlcoholismI have up smokingI maintain a healthy weightWorked on myselfAnd the way I feel about myselfIt hasn't been easy
The counselor gave me some methods to manage my anxietyBreathingAwarenessMindfulnessSkills to help me stop the negative thoughts that float around inside my headAnd I need thatPractical ways to deal with these thingsI'm glad I went today
I'm supposed to be meeting 'The Boy' todayMy butterflies are very busyI was supposed to go to his houseBut now I think he is coming hereI guess when I spend some time with himIt will become clear whether I like him or notAt least I hope it will
Oh and I have some good newsI heard that Mary is back in her job as eating disorder specialistThat is amazingI'm hoping it's trueI'm really hoping that it's true
I was with my friend the other dayAnd she commented that I look like I have lost weightThe ED part of me was delightedAnd I got a little buzzThat feeling is addictiveI just want more and more of itI asked my Mum and sister if I had lostAnd they confirmed itIt's hard not to get sucked back in to that worldBut I won't I won't let that happenI have too much to lose nowSo I am doing my level best to get back on trackI know that my weight is still settling downAnd I have lost weightBut I am still in the healthy weight rangeI am ok with it with my weightI don't hate itI don't love itIt is what it isMy BMI is at the lower tone of what is healthyI think that is my set point
So all in allLife is good at the momentI have my healthAnd my mental health That is all I needFor now.......