I'm trying to take it easy a little, these days. Life feels rather good, but I am not the same.
But that's a good thing.
Change it imminent. It happens so much lately, it makes me wonder am I aging significantly and swiftly, or ... am I just going through a mid-life crisis. Hmm...
Even if I am, I am happy about it, because I have lived 46. And I know what 46 feels like, and I never want to go back there, again. Ever. Cause I have at chance at making 47 the best it would've ever been. Every single year is a chance for God to Himself be even bigger in me. To let my light shine. You know what I'm sayin'?
I have been through more grief than I could imagine in the past few years. and... its just been a few. More than I want to. But I am loved. I am blessed. And grief wears me well. What I mean is, we have this really odd, and functional yet absurd relationship. I get grief, you know? I think it makes me wiser. And makes me feel at times I am aging to help others embrace its intricacies. Intricate: yes, that. So many, many parts and experiences. Many reasons. Many facets. Many pieces and many trials that helps one to expand and grow. And I get them. Sometimes better than the people experiencing them. I don't really value grief. I don't even like it. I just understand it very well.
I understand it's uniqueness. And...it's purpose.
But enough about that.
As I extend my hand to many, I find myself offering a sense of joy, that escapes me still. how is it that someone has known grief all their life, mange to yet help extend healing from grief and still help joy to resound?
Despite me, despite my complex relationship wit grief. I smile, and I say: " I have been through that too..." and they look at me as if I am lying... and they wonder... " Is she for real?" how could she? ....yet have so much joy...?
And I remember... and I smile again, because I remember but only slightly do I recall any pain. I recall instead the saving grace of God, his overwhelming peace while enduring it... and His mercies...new ....every single morning. I recall waiting for the day to begin again so I could gather it all once again.. and it did. It would wrap me up in my purpose, and hold me in its loving and awesome embrace. Mercy, that is....and I would be bent over and crying yet feeling grace and His arms about me... yet thanking Him at the same time... yes, I did... and yes, I would.
Because I knew if He allowed it to happen, it was for my good.
Getting here... to this place of recognizing good... took time, yo. It did. Even when I had no clue... 'good' was even there, it would show up at my door like an unexpected guest, like maybe that friend you hadn't see in years and then you would just settle down and spend time on the coach talkin' to, because you were just so glad to see 'good' again... later, and you just got it. You got what goodness was tryin' to do. Surely....
Follow you ALL the days of your life. It wasn't until then, I recognized Goodness in Psalm 23... it's nature, it's spirit. In my life.
It would all come together, and then, I'd say wow... "So that's why that happened... " So I learned to just trust Him, because He knows. He just does.
Maybe age does that? Or is it wisdom? Or maybe just revelation knowledge, and His Word, of course.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Yes, I get that. Sometimes the best can be even the worst.
But I know what 46 feels like, and 46 is done. I can't go back there , no more... I can just tell the stories of 46, and share the pictures, and reminisce....of all the lessons I learned when I was 46...
And hopefully, you shall learn too.
