Catch Up

Yes A catch up is well over due I seem to be blogging less and less nowThat is both a good and a bad thingLife is busy and fullI work four days a weekWednesday, Friday, Saturday and SundayOn my days off I catch up on house work Horse riding And appointments Up until today My wages have been emergency taxedWhich meant almost half my pay was taken But today I got a lovely surprise When I checked my bank balance And saw that it had all been refunded What a lovely way to start the dayI was able to give a lot of money towards the houseAnd towards the new washing machine we need Which was a lovely feeling to be able to do that I also heard back from the disability section of social welfare I had to send them some pay slips So they could means test my disability against itI did everything above board and legit And in actual fact My disability was reduced by only €8Which is fantastic!My work is considered therapeutic So I get to work And keep my payment 
But yes Work is going really wellI can feel my confidence improving every day I've made new friends I'm thriving in my new environment And feel like I can do my job And do it well Because I did a couple of shifts for one of the girls last weekI have had the last few days offWhich has been nice But I do find myself getting a bit bored on days when I have nothing on I'm definitely going to see if I can continue working after the summer seasonAs I feel it is doing me the world of good The routine The structure The satisfaction of having earned my own money It's all adding up to make one very happy Ruby I am now six weeks in to work I can remember back in MayJust before I started I was beyond nervous And was fully prepared for the fact that it might not work out In fact I was almost expecting it to go belly upEven after my first day I still felt like it wasn't sinking inBut like a lot of things I had to give it a chance And time to settle in Which when I started to relaxBegan to happen The center is busy these days Full capacity is 60And a lot of those are childrenAnd when the weather is bad No one goes out So the place is like a bomb hitBut that's ok It keeps me busy and honest 
In other news I am loving my new hair I really need to go and getting it done more often As it really gives me a boost I went back to horse riding yesterday tooWhich was brilliant as always My canter is getting better As I continue to improve Star is amazing Even if he did stand on my foot yesterday I traveled to horse riding with FintanWe always have a great chat and laugh We stop to get the horses a bag of carrots on the way And the minute they hear the rustle of the bag They are all looking over And kicking the doors of the stablesI've decided not to go back to the other stables And stick to horse therapy I told Fintan yesterday That I had been taking other lessons He didn't think it was a good idea either I kind of felt like I was being sneaky doing other lessons Plus the fact that the other lessons were harsher I was put in a group with much more experienced riders I was pushed to do things I didn't feelComfortable doing And more often than not I came out of the lesson feeling deflated So I think I will stick to therapy 
As regards my EDIt's in the background these daysI can't lie I do still struggle with purging But it's not every day And it's not impinging on my quality of life I've accepted that this is as good as it gets for me At least for nowI hope that in time I will phase it out completely I am eating a lot better though I eat three meals and snacks When I'm working I have my breakfast and lunch there And I'm so busy That I don't get a chance to think about restricting or purging Since I started work six weeks agoI have purged once in work And I am determined to keep that behavior out of my work placeI have no earthly clue what I weigh Really and truly I can't even make an educated guessBut my clothes fit And I feel healthy So let's go with that I am done measuring my self worth in pounds and ouncesI am done being a slave to my scales My clothes are a size 8I think I look okSo why would I ruin all that By putting a number on it And you can bet your ass that if I did weigh myself It would start off the cycle of hating my body And manipulating my food and weight I turn 35 in a few weeks I've been addicted and eating disordered for 16 years I will never get those years back But you know what? I don't regret a thing My experiences have shaped the person I am today And I would hope that I am a good person Doing my best to live my life as well as I canI try to be a good person I try to be the best that I can beI know that I am blessed with a strong family behind me And good friends around meI have two beautiful dogs A job I love I live in a place where I am surrounded by beauty I have enough money Enough food A roof over my head A warm dry bed to sleep onI know I am luckier than some And I am incredibly grateful for that My life is charmed compared to some And I appreciate everything that I haveI have always noticed That in support groups It tends to be those over 30 that seem to be doing well This makes sense to me As in your twenties I think you are still growing up And still think you are invincible Going out a lot Pushing boundaries I know for me I was in my thirties when I finally sorted out my drug addiction and alcoholismAnd now my EDI guess I was burned out Sick and tired And ready to give up the hard living As it just wasn't worth it anymore The negatives massively out weighed the positives I wanted something more out of life In addiction Nothing is real Your feelings are fake Your relationships are fake Your reality is fake I now want something that is realAnd honest I am done living that life 
So Today is a good day I feel positive and hopeful And that my friends Is a minor miracle Let me tell you It is hard work staying clean and sober On top of managing an EDBut It is so worth it And I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China So please Today Take some comfort from the fact that I came through all this And you most certainly can tooI know it seems impossible Insurmountable But I promise you If I can do it So can you Recovery is the best gift you can give yourself It's right in front of you You just need to reach out and grab it