Cancer and My Search for Enlightenment

A Guest Post by Tina Martel

When visual artist Tina Martel was diagnosed with Stage Two B breast cancer she decided to document everything. Throughout her treatment she created a stream of sketchbooks, photographs, paintings and video, in response to and frequently in spite of what was happening to her. Not in the Pink is a “graphic narrative” of the pain,  frustration and frequent hilarity of her day-to-day dealing with the eccentricities and bureaucracy of the medical system. It is also a candid and moving exploration of the expectations often placed on you once you are diagnosed with cancer: by the people around you, by society and ultimately by yourself.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in the fall of 2011. Too many of us have heard those words in stunned disbelief. I sat thinking “no”… not even with an exclamation mark behind it…just a quiet little “no.” As the days unfolded and the reality started to sink in I had a glimpse of what that might look like. The surgery, the treatments, the drugs… what I was unaware of at the time were some of the deeper implications. I am a voracious reader and I did the only natural thing – I picked up all the books I could find on having cancer. I was determined to be the “good” patient. Unfortunately, at least for me, along with all of the advice offered from various experts, there was frequently a theme. It was of finding enlightenment. And it was echoed in the well-meaning advice of people around me. Apparently in between throwing up, pain and exhaustion I was supposed to use all the time I now had on my hands to find my true calling and become a much higher being.

I am an overachiever so I tried.

I tried to find it in meditation. Every day I spent as much time as my body would allow on my yoga mat. I breathed. I contorted. I relaxed. One day I thought I finally caught a glimpse of it. I had the sense of being watched over. Then I saw the shadow at the window and realized it was the neighbor’s cat. Admittedly she looked very zen. What did she know that I didn’t? She also got that look on her face after I would catch her digging in the flower bed.

I flirted briefly with the idea that I could find it in the kitchen. Some people seemed to find peace and joy in cooking. Apparently there is a kind of meditative quality to creating nutritious meals from scratch. I almost made it into the room before I came to my senses and realized I haven’t been in here for years and probably couldn’t find a pot if my life depended on it. I am not sure I own a pot. I must…

I searched for inspirational messages around me that might have some meaning. You know the ones. On the bill boards, sent to you through Facebook, pinned above customer service desks. Everything happens for a reason. Just let it go…Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Never wrestle with a pig; you just get all dirty and the pig likes it. (I kind of liked that one.) Surely one of these pithy sayings might resonate and the lights would go on. One day while having a latte accompanied by a piece of chocolate two things occurred to me. The first was my moment with that really good piece of chocolate might be as close to enlightenment as I ever come –and the second was I remembered vowing to myself a few years ago I would stop taking life advice from the sides of take out coffee cups. That’s when I bought myself a to-go mug.

I visualized white light, I visualized healing, I visualized myself right out of this predicament and onto a beach in Mexico. When I stopped visualizing I was still in the middle of it. Maybe I was simply not strong enough? Maybe I was doomed to fail?

In a vision it came to me what I needed to do was stop putting so much pressure on myself to become something better than what I am. I am not perfect but I am good enough for now.

Maybe it is not cancer patients who need to seek enlightenment but the world around us who is made so uncomfortable by the glimpse into their own mortality. Let us be ourselves. The people you knew before. Sometimes we are happy, sometimes we are sad, sometimes we are angry. Sometimes we have flashes of enlightenment.

Bio: Tina Martel is a Canadian artist and author whose practice includes mixed media, painting, drawing, books, photography, installation and video.  The recipient of numerous grants and awards, she has exhibited across Canada, the United States and in Europe.

 Not in the Pink is available through the author’s Website and Amazon: http://notinthepink.ca, 

http://www.mcnallyrobinson.com/home http://www.amazon.ca http://www.amazon.com

Not in the Pink was recently chosen as a finalist in two categories for the International Book Awards 2015. http://www.internationalbookawards.com/2015awardannouncement.html