Making friends of the opposite sex is not difficult. Men and women co-exist at work, at school, at the gym, at social events, and watching their kids play sports. When I was single, some of my best friends were men. And, we were just friends!
However, for some reason, all that seems to change when you get married.
Husbands don’t seem to understand that it’s perfectly innocent to have lunch with a long-time guy friend.
Wives become suspicious about their husbands having dinner with a former girlfriend or colleague.
Friends of the opposite sex often put a strain on a marriage.
That’s probably why male-female friendships established after marriage are rare and those that existed before the marriage often drop off after one or both parties gets married.
Is having a friend of the opposite sex a cause for suspicion by your mate? Is a relationship with a guy impossible for a woman because, as Harry puts it in When Harry Met Sally, “Men and women can’t be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way”?
Twenty-five years after this film was released the question of whether heterosexual men and heterosexual women can have a platonic relationship is still a hotly contested question.
What prompted my revisiting this issue was the much-watched recent film clip on YouTube: Why Men and Women can’t be Friends by Jesse Bud and Patrick Romero. The two interviewed several males and females at a Utah university regarding their relationships with the opposite sex. Interestingly, most of the men admitted they would have a sexual relationship with their platonic female friends given any encouragement while the majority of women saw sex as a definite way to mess up a perfectly good heterosexual relationship and were, thus, opposed to doing so.
A similar survey of men and women in their forties indicated that both valued the friendship which had often spanned decades. Both sexes were reluctant to spoil the friendship with any element of sex.
Couples in their sixties, seventies, and eighties often forged a sexual relationship with members of the opposite sex who had been part of their couples’ friends during their marriages. Having found themselves widowed, the two who were comfortable with their already-established social relationships to quote one such couple, “kind of grew from social dating to a more partners’ relationship.”
A Zooks’ Facebook poll of almost two thousand respondents indicated a 3 in 4 support for platonic relationships between a man and a woman.
Geoffrey Greif, author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Relationships agrees that men and women can indeed be “just friends.” However, he cautions:
(1) There are times in a person’s life when platonic relationships are more desirable.
(2) Men and women who are not physically attracted to one another often have meaningful, platonic relationships.
(3) A large part of the success of a male/female friendship depends on the attitude of the partners of these friends.
Nothing will kill a friendship faster than one’s spouse not liking the friend or not trusting that the relationship IS a just a friendship.
Why seek out a friendship with a member of the opposite sex?
There are a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it is nice to have an opposite-sex perspective on a dating relationship or an outfit. When you’re down, an opposite-sex friend who tells you it’s not your fault a relationship failed or who reassures you that your ex-husband was an idiot to divorce you or that you really are good at your job or that you’re a wonderful parent is, somehow, more believable than the same opinion from your same-sex friends.
Male-female relationships can also be a convenience for both friends. Men are often better at fixing things around the house and women more often excel at mending, cooking, and decorating tasks. “We swap skills,” one woman told me of her male friend. “He takes my dog when I go on vacation. I meal plan and keep his plants alive. He fixes my washer and my printer and the leak in my kitchen sink. Whenever I have to attend a family or work social thing, Greg goes with me. When he has a command performance at his parents’ place, I accompany him. We grocery shop together and often share meals twice or three times a week because it is a pain cooking for one. We plan social outings for our kids together. This is a friendship that actually works!”
One college friend pointed out that having a male roommate was perfect. “We never fight about stupid things. We divided up apartment housekeeping tasks easily. My parents feel lots less worried because I have a ‘man in the apartment’.” She chuckled and added, “They don’t need to know that I am the one who kills the spiders and traps the mice and clears the clog from the sink, and gets up in the night to check on a suspicious noise. My parents sleep better knowing Paul is there to protect me.”
Those who are skeptical about men and women who are friends exaggerate the importance of sex in a relationship or undervalue the role friendship plays in people’s lives. The fact that a platonic relationship between males and females is referred to as “just friends” implies that, somehow, this relationship is less meaningful than a sexual relationship.
Jennifer a recently-divorced twenty-eight-year-old single mom adds a new dimension to the male-female friendship. “When my marriage broke up, Barry was there to listen to me wail about my failed marriage. He acted as a surrogate dad for my seven-year-old and took the stress out of how to deal with trading my car and doing my taxes and fixing my lawn mower. He made being on my own after ten years of marriage a lot less overwhelming. While my girlfriends sympathized, Barry took up the slack in my trying to run a household, hold down a job, and be there for my son. I have no idea how I would have survived without Barry to share the hard times and the high points of my first year as a single.”
Whether male-female friendships fulfill domestic tasks, offer emotional support, or fill a social void they can be the best friendships you will ever have. I used to feel slighted that my friend, James, was not physically attracted to me. We were close friends but there was no sexual tension in our relationship. However, as time passed, my wish for a sexual “spark” in the relationship waned because it was unreciprocated. My friendship for this man continued to grow. Friends for fifty years now, we joke that we have survived the divorces of our other friends, the deaths of parents and colleagues, and adjustment to retirement. We know, without talking about it that, if we both ever found ourselves single, we’d move in together. We also know intuitively that, if either of us ever needed a place to live, the other would be there to support.
Luckily, we both have partners who understand the importance of this half-century friendship.
Do you have a cherished opposite-sex friendship to share? We’d love to hear from you!
Resources
Bud, Jesse and Romero, Patrick. Why Men and Women can’t be Friends http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA&noredirect=1
Greif, Geoffrey. Buddy System: Understanding Male Relationships
India Times “Men and Women Can’t be just Friends” http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2012-09-21/man-woman/32847964_1_attraction-men-and-women-friendships
Nadler, Sheryl. “New Study Says Men and Women Can’t Be Friends” in Shine On. http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/blogs/shine-on/study-says-men-women-t-friends-185133581.html
