Bulimia

I'm back home
Back in the trigger that is my house
Yesterday was horrible
Like a bad dream
I came home from Dublin expecting a significant gain
I stood on the scale and peeped at the number through my fingers
It was exactly the same as the day I left
Thank freakin' Jesus
It turns out that I can eat and not purge and maintain my weight
Yesterday I could feel a binge coming on
Like a storm cloud on the horizon, it was slowly making it's way towards me
I could see it coming
I just didn't know what to do
I know what I should have done
I should have eaten something
Pre empt the binge
But part of me wanted to binge
Wanted the high from the food
The relief from purging
I haven't done it in quite a while
Yesterday was Sunday and I hate Sundays
I associate Sunday's with binging and purging
Before I knew it I was in my car and heading for town
I walked my dogs first, planning the binge in my mind
What I would eat
What order I would eat it in
How great it would feel to eat forbidden food
I went to the first shop
I wanted to stock up on chicken curry
I brought my cloth bag and walked down to the freezer section
I counted out 8 (why 8? I have no idea) curries  and put them in my bag
Then picked up some rice
I slung the bag over my shoulder and walked towards the door
My heart was beating out of my chest as it always does when I do this
I took out my phone to distract myself
When I get outside I speed walk to my car, waiting for someone to follow me out
They don't
I reach my car and get out of there pronto
Next shop
I choose foods that take a short time to prepare and a long time to eat
It's essential that they are easy to purge
I pick up pasta and tomato and chilli sauce
Ham and bread
White chocolate
Crisps
7up free (essential for any bulimic)
This time I pay for them
I get to my car and realize that I've forgotten biscuits
I need biscuits because when I wake up in the middle of the night, I like to have tea and biscuits
I curse and head back to the shop
I pick up 2 packets of ginger nuts like the ones I had in Dublin
I hope my uncle hasn't noticed that I ate most of his in the middle of the night
'Enjoy those now' says the cashier
'You have no idea' I thought to myself
I get home and even though it's only midday I make 2 of the chicken curries and rice
I settle myself in front of the tv  and the binge begins
The first few mouthfuls taste divine but after that I taste nothing, feel nothing
I head to the bathroom
Tie back my hair
Take off my rings
And purge
I hate purging
I truly do
But keeping this food in my stomach is out of the question
Purging is the lesser of two evils
I wash my hands and face and make sure the toilet is clean
Then I head for the kitchen for round 2
After eating something savoury, I have a craving for something sweet
I make tea and have one and a half (again, I don't know why it's this exact number) milky bars
The chocolate is soft an creamy and delicious
So I have some more
The rest of the day is spent like this
Making food
Eating food
Purging food
I couldn't stop even if I wanted to
This thing is bigger than me
Who am I to stand in it's way
I march from the kitchen to the sitting room to the bathroom
I'm literally going round in circles
I hate it but I can't stop
I know that night I will feel guilt and shame and anger but I can't stop
I know that this is a game that I can't win but I can't stop
I just can't stop
I continue until the food is gone
Only then do I stop
I lie on the couch in a binge induced coma
I replay the day over and over in my head
Like some bad Lifetime movie
I hate myself
I hate being this way
I go to bed early and fall in to a deep sleep
I get up once to have tea and biscuits
I always leave biscuits for the middle of  the night
This morning I wake up with a hangover
I dread what is coming next
Weighing in
I gained
 A big fat gain
My mental state can't handle this
I don't cry
I don't feel angry
Just numb and empty
My first reaction is to have a repeat performance of yesterday
Fuck it
But where would that get me?
No where
So I'll probably go to the other extreme as I don't seem to have a middle ground
I'm just so tired
Burnt out
Will this never end?
I have no Mary until the end of the month
What do I do until then?
Binge and purge I guess