Boy Drama.......

After a few days of radio silenceThe boy contacted me yesterdayApologised for the lack of contactAnd said that he had been extremely busyHe wanted to know if I wanted to meet upI doI do want to see himI don't want to want to see himBut I doI've realised over the last week that I need to be very carefulAs I fear that he might not be entirely clean and soberIs that part of the attraction I hear you askKind ofPossiblyMaybe ProbablyAnd as well as thatHe is impossibly unreliable Probably because of said reasons of not being altogether clean and soberAnd that drives me bananasI meanIf you like meTell meShow meLet me know for Gods sakeI'm not a mind readerI can't tell what you are thinkingWhen you don't textI presume that you don't want to text me or see meAnd when I text youText me back dudeDon't leave me hangingThat is not cool
I know that this whole situation could end in tearsI've had this feeling about boys in the pastLiking themEven though I know it's heading for disasterBut the feelings of attraction are strong and powerfulAnd hard to resistI can't lieKnowing that someone might like me is a good feelingGetting butterflies in my tummy is a good feelingAnd it's a welcome distraction from ED and addiction related issues
This is my first brush with a boy since I started to recoverBefore nowI haven't had a boyfriendOr even a potential boyfriend in years So it's all very new and excitingI have never had a sober relationshipI have no idea how that goesI can't lieIt scares the be-Jesus out of meEven the thought of kissing someoneOr any thing like thatAnd dare I say itS-E-XIt is beyond me how anyone does that stone cold soberIt makes me shudder just thinking about it
When you are in the midst of an addiction and an EDSex is just not on your radarAnd when you don't have itYou don't miss itSo I was perfectly content to live life with a non-existent sex lifeI had other things on my mindLike simultaneously trying to both kill myself and stay aliveI was so sickDo withdrawnSo down in myselfThat boys or love or sex just didn't mean anything to meI didn't think about themI didn't long for themTrying to get through the day without completely losing my shit was my priority
But nowNow I am actually feelingFeeling feelingsAnd emotionsAnd urges And desiresI guess now that my physical and mental health have significantly improvedMy body and mind have been re-awakenedThat is both thrilling and terrifying
Some of you have asked me whyWhy this particular boyThe answer to that is I am not entirely sureMaybe because he is the first boy that I am aware had shown an interest in meMaybe because he is a typical 'Bad boy'Maybe because he reminds me off my former lifeMaybe because he is dangerousI don't know
I mean realisticallyI know it could never workMy family would be so opposed to itSo I know I would end up having to choose between him and my familyIt was the same with my ex-boyfriendMy family wanted nothing to go with himHe wasn't welcome in our houseAnd they made no secret about the fact that they out right objected to out relationshipThat made life very difficultMy family got upset if I spent time with himAnd my boyfriend felt abandoned when I went homeI was tornAnd I hated it
I am desperately trying not to invest too much in this relationshipI am trying not to fall for this boyTrying to protect myselfAnd stand backTo be civilMaybe even friendsBut nothing moreIt's hard thoughAs they sayThe heart wants what it wantsBut I know it would make much more sense to stay friends Relationships just complicate matters 
The thing is this feels good It feels good to think that someone likes meAnd may have a crush on meIt's flattering It's a compliment It warms my heart to think that there is a spark between usI mean who doesn't want to fall in loveTo meet that special someoneTo be part of a coupleTo have a partnerA best friendSomeone to share a life withI know I want thatBut I also know that I have to be carefulAs if I pick the wrong personIt could all end in tears
When I told my mother about The BoyShe had a visceral reactionAnd she doesn't even know himIt's a gut feeling that she had that he is bad news'Menacing' to use her wordsI made the point that everyone deserves a second chanceBut she maintains that he will never be welcome in this house or in this familyAnd I have to respect that
So where do I go from here?I guess I proceed with extreme cautionI need to protect myself And not put myself in a vulnerable situationThe feelings I have for him are strongSo I need to do the right thingAnd not let my feelings rule what I doThis is one boyThere are plenty of others out there And I believe that there is someone for meSomeone who is in a good placeWho will be good for meAnd bring out the best in meI just need to be patientI am sure I will know him when I meet himI will feel it
Even though this whole situation is most confusingAnd possibly even dangerousI feel like it is progress Thus far My problems have been related to my ED and addictionThey have been huge and life threateningAnd very heavyNow my problems are more like 'normal person' problems Luxury problems First world problemsBefore I was worried about purging 20 times a dayLow blood pressure Irregular heart beatDizzinessDepressionCrippling anxietyNow I am worried about whether a boy likes me or notThat my friends Is most definitely progress
I'm also celebrating an exciting milestone tomorrowBut I won't write about that until it is the exact day and time