Community Magazine

Body Image

By Rubytuesday
Even though things are going well for me at the moment There is still one thing that I struggle massively withYesYou've guessed itThe dreaded body imageHistorically I've always been on the slim sideAs a child and teenagerI was very active I swam in a competitive levelI also studied danceSo I could basically eat what I wantedAnd maintain a trim figureThe only time I've ever gained a significant amount of weightWas when I was first prescribed olanzapine And even then I wasn't over weightI just had more weight on my bonesAnd of course Throughout my addiction and EDMy weight fluctuated wildly Up until my ED startedI had never given my weight much thought I ate well and exercised And was in general pretty healthy My size and shape was not something I gave much thought to I didn't notice itI wasn't aware of itThey say ignorance is blissAnd it most definitely was in this caseIt was only when my ED developed That I became aware of my body And how much space I took upI set about making myself smallerBecause smaller and thinner is good right?Wrong As I have since learned Size and shape have precious little to do with happiness or contentment I do accept that I see a dirhmdtiuyd I acknowledge that I might not see an accurate version of myself But I do believe that I am quite big at the moment I have no idea what I weigh As I haven't been weighing myself recently So in my head I am twenty stone In reality It shouldn't matter what I weigh But it is important to me that I maintain my weight at a healthy pointI don't feel good if I am too thin or too heavyI just want to be healthy and happyI want to be able to wake up in the morning And not have a panic attack about what to wear I want to be able to look in the mirrorAnd not want to cry I just feel so big and cumbersome at the moment My legs My hips My tummy It all feels like too much And it's a horrible feeling 
I guess physical recovery happens at first You re-gain the weight And that's hard to deal withPsychologicallyIt takes much longer to recoverAnd I am still in very early days I'm hoping that my distorted body image will right itself I hope that I can grow to love or even just like my bodyBecause it allows me to do some amazing things And it's getting stronger and stronger all the time But the main thing is that I am healthyAnd happy And I feel good in myself I think I will always struggle with accepting my body Buy that's not just an ED thing It's a woman thing It's a human thing I see all these celebrities on TV Who have had work done Even young people who really don't need anything done at all People are striving for beauty and perfection on the outside When the real truth is that beauty comes from within It's a cliche But it's true 
With all that said I was wondering about you How is your body image?Do you hate/love/like/loath your body?What do you do to help your image of yourself?Do you think it's possible to love yourself and your body after an ED?Answers on a postcard please.....

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