Body

I recently met a girl from treatment
We hadn't seen each other in about 6 weeks
So I was worried about seeing her
Given my recent weight re-gain
I arrived at the coffee shop before her
I was glad
At least then she would only see me from the waist up
I waited anxiously for her to arrive
I had always been thinner than her
But she was thin too
And I was pretty sure that I was now bigger than her
I ordered tea and settled myself
We were meeting at a tea house near WB Yeats grave
And a constant stream of tourists marched in and out
I watched them with curiousity
Buying their 'Ireland' paraphernalia
My friend arrived
We hugged
I was genuinely happy to see her
'You look like a different person'  she remarked
I blushed
'No really, your eyes look brighter and your skin looks great'
She also noticed that I wasn't as anxious
I used to get so anxious before going in to meet her
And my hands would shake when I picked up my tea cup
We had a great chat
We laughed
We remembered our time in treatment
We talked about our plans for the future
It was so good to see her
To talk to someone who was in treatment with me
And just knew
You know?
Then on Sunday
We went to a recording of a radio arts programme
As my brother was reading at it
Again I was worried about going
As I would be seeing people that I haven't seen in a long time
And the difference in me is so noticeable
On arriving at the venue
I met one of my aunties
'Oh my God, you look great' she said
'I know, there is a bit if a difference isn't there?'
'But do you feel good?' she asked
'I do' I replied 'I really do'
I hadn't seen this woman since I came out of treatment months earlier
When I was pathetically underweight
It was good to chat to people now that I do feel better
My anxiety doesn't get the better of me anymore
And I can actually talk to people without losing my shit
I guess I am used to people's reactions by now
I know that I look completely different
And I know that people want to acknowledge that I am doing well
And give me a compliment
It's hard though
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I have put on so much weight
And I look so different
Better?
Well, yes
My skin and eyes and hair look much healthier
I have shape now
Pointy bones and sharp edges have given way to soft curves
I have had to get used to dressing a totally different shape
I've had to buy new clothes (Not complaining about that though)
I've had to get rid (Not quite) of 'anorectic' clothes
It's all new
It's all unfamiliar
It's all scary
As I have said before
I am trying to go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
Or what the scale says
And the thing is
That I feel pretty good
I feel positive
And hopeful
I feel healthy and strong
Capable and able
My anxiety has lessened so much
And my depression has all but disappeared
I guess if I was asked which would I rather be
Skinny and miserable
Or healthy and happy
I don't need to tell you which one I choose
I've had to stop weighing completely
The last time I weighed
I almost lost my marbles
So I'm just not doing it
No good can come of it
I feel good
For the first time in years
I feel good
I am willing to sacrifice my bony body for that
When I met mt friend the other day
I felt equal to her
When I was really sick
I felt less than everyone
I felt that because I was sick
I wasn't on the same level as everyone else
Now I do
Everything is worse when your body is sick
Anxiety
Depression
Fear
Not to mention all the physical ailments
But these things can and do improve
I know how stuck we can get in our illness
Paralysed by fear
Crippled by anxiety and depression
I just want you to know that it is possible to get out
It is possible to feel better
Both physically
And mentally
I promise you
It is possible
I am learning to live with and even like my new body
I look at my sister who is the same size as me
And I think she looks tiny
She is a great support
She is always telling me that I am a 33 year old woman
And women have shapes
She reminds me that I am not a teenager any more
And  will never have that body again
I am slowly coming to terms with that
It's ok
I am ok
I
Am
Ok