Because We're Worth It......

If there is one thing that I've learned
Is that people do the things they do for a reason
And are they way they are for a reason
Because of nature
Or nurture
Environment
Circumstances
Whatever the reason
People are the way they are for a reason
I suffered with my ED for a long time before I was even aware of it
I wasn't trying to lose weight
I wasn't trying to restrict
But I couldn't stop myself using these behaviours
Even though it made no sense
Even though I knew I was headed for destruction
I couldn't stop
I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19 years old
It changed everything
I became super aware of my weight
Because the number seemed important to the professionals
So it became important to me
I had been given the label of 'Anorectic'
And I felt that I had to live up to it
I remember the day that I left school
I had been waiting for that day for so long
I could hardly wait for the last day of my exams to come
I remember walking out the school gates that day
What an anti climax
I thought I would be overjoyed with the freedom I had
But instead I felt scared
What would I do now?
Where would I go?
How would I manage out in the big bad world
I thought that I would go travelling
And told everyone so
But 14 years later
I still haven't gone
A couple of years later
I applied to college
And started the course
But my addiction quickly got in the way
And I dropped out
I was a lost soul
Wandering aimlessly through life
I took jobs here that there
But couldn't commit to anything
My eating disorder became a career of sorts
It became my job
I worked hard all week restricting and exercising
And expected a big fat pay che at the end of the week
In the form of weight loss
I was dedicated to my ED
It came first
Before everything and everyone
But above all
It was something that I was good at
Some thing to excel at
It fed that desire in me to feel special
To be better than others at something
I didn't have a college degree
I didn't have a career
My ED was my everything
But of course
Being good at self destruction is not something to brag about
I almost killed myself
And broke my families heart
Now that I am coming out the other side of my ED
I am trying to find other things that I am good at
Something to feed that need to excel at something
The great thing is that everyone is good at something
And not just one thing
Usually a person has many talents
Over the last few months
I have found that writing is something that I truly love
And I feel quite confident writing
I also rediscovered my love of swimming
And yoga
And I am not half bad at them
I have found that I am actually a people person
I like to be around people
I like to laugh and have fun
And I am blessed to have some amazing people in my life
So yes
People are the way they are for a reason
I am the way I am because of my experiences
I am finally realizing that I am not a bad person
I never was
I was a very ill person
There is a huge difference
I am finally seeing that there is more to me than my weight
I am more than a clothes size
Or a number on a scale
I have never felt so stable
And that is quite miraculous
I am ever grateful for the people around me
Who have carried me over the last 15 years
Without them I would most definitely not be here
In one piece
As you know
Things are not perfect here in my little world
But I am doing my best
To stay well
To mind myself
To feed myself
To take care of myself
Because I am worth it
And you are too