Back to Treatment

I'm heading back in to treatment tomorrow
I've been home for 3 weeks now
I had been dreading coming home
Mainly because I had a family wedding and we had people staying in our house all week
I wasn't planning on being here for any of it
But then I was discharged prematurely
I could have chosen not to go
But I wanted to be there
I was asked to do one of the readings at the mass
I agreed to do it but it caused me no end of anxiety
Even though it was just 3 lines, it was a huge ask for me
The wedding was on Saturday
We stayed in a hotel in town
I put on my glad rags and war paint and put on my best 'I'm fine' face
I was so nervous waiting to do my reading
I had my brother ready as a back up incase I completely crumbled and couldn't do it
Then it was my turn
Before I knew it, it was over and I was back at my seat
I did it
After the mass it was on to the reception in a restaurant
Glasses of champagne were being passed out
At first I refused
But then I took one for a bit of 'Dutch courage'
I drank it quickly and it went straight to my head
I had another
And another
I didn't get drunk
Just pleasantly merry
The meal was amazing
6 courses
I got through it by purging twice
I was so glad that I went to the wedding and didn't get home until 4am
It just goes to show
A lot of the time it's the thought of these things that is worse than the actual event itself
I won't get to blog now for a while
I had been seriously considering closing this blog
But I really don't want to do that
I will continue to write
But I want this to be a blog about recovery and hope
I don't want this to be a car-crash blog
It's a sad truth that the worse my life got, the more views my blog got
I'm not concerned with how many followers I get
I just want to be honest
I want to tell the truth about what it is like to live with an ED and addiction
An anonymous comment was left on my last post
Basically saying that it was selfish of me not to read or comment on others blogs and continue to write my own
I just want to clear that up
I will continue to write my own blog
But for my own sake I can't continue to read and comment on blogs that I find triggering
Is that selfish?
Maybe it is
But maybe I need to be a little bit selfish to help myself right now
However I will keep in contact with the girls who I have become close to
As I said I won't get to blog for a while now
In the mean time please take care of yourselves
Be kind and gentle with yourselves
Keep fighting
Don't let this thing define you
Don't let it break you
Don't wait to do something until it is too late
Don't let it kill you
With love,
Ruby x