Back on Track

I woke up this morning feeling a little betterThe past few mornings I've really struggled to wake upAnd to get upI just wanted to sleep the day awayAnd completely zone outBut I can't do that I have two dogs that rely on me to let them out in the morningTo walk them To feed themAnd to play with them And thank God I doBecause otherwise I don't think I would ever get out of bed
I guess an accumulation of things have got to me over the last weekComing home from my holiday Failing my driving testBeing attacked on my blogAnd losing weight all contributed to being a big bump in the road for meBut that's life I guess You just have to roll with punches
I suppose I'm back to reality now Back to everyday life Back to my humdrum existence I know it's up to me to get back on track now I need to make some decisionsI need to decide whether I want to be in recovery from drugs or notBecause I am misusing my meds And in my book That is as good as using It alters my moodIt gets me out of my headAnd if I do choose recovery I need to decide whether I want to do it the 12 step wayAnd go to meetings And work a programme And really get a good foundation in my recovery
I haven't been to a meeting in a few months nowAnd once I stop going It's really very hard to go backAnd the longer you leave itThe harder it becomes 
I met a girl this morning from the meetings I chatted to her for a while It was nice I could see the recovery in herAnd hear it in her voiceI want that I want that peace of mind That confidence And contentment I have been in touch with any of my friends since before I went away It's a bit of a sad fact That my online social life Is a lot more active than my real live one 
I've had to deal with a lot of cravings recentlyOn holidays It was smoking I was dying for a cigarette As everyone in Turkey seems to smoke And I've also been having a lot of using dreams They are always the same The same people The same scenario It's so vivid And do real That when I wake up I'm in a cold sweat I saw a show recently about methadone users in DublinIt was lazy journalism if you ask meThey didn't report from outside DublinAnd all the participants were stereotypical drug addicts Junkies I think sometimes people in this country forget that there is life beyond Dublin 
I think I wrote about having a drink on the plane on the way to TurkeyI don't know why I did I saw others drinking And I wanted one too This was the third instance that I have taken a drink in recent times ButAs I always suspected I don't love me the effect that alcohol has on me I'm a horrible drunkI talk complete bullshit And either become really annoying Or really emotionalNoI think it's safe to say that I can't hold my drink I think also the thing I don't like about drink and drugs Is they its not real Anything you feel You say You do while under the influence is not realIt's all fake The friendships The relationships The conversations None of it is real When I was using heroinI hung around in a particular group of people We had nothing in commonOnly the drug We had nothing to say to each other Until after we took the drugThen we acted like best friends There is no loyalty in addictionWho ever you are with they day is your buddy Until the drug wears offAnd then you are back to being strangers again I know that I can't use or drinkEven now and again As with a lot of things with me It's all or nothingBlack or white 
This post really is to let you know they in not giving up Not just yet anyway I have come too far to turn back now And I've now seen what life could be like for me If I persevere in my recovery Over that last week I just wanted to fall apart To just lie down and let my ED and addiction wash over meAnd consume me But I won't let that happen if I can help it I will continue to fight Continue you to seek a better life For me and my family 
Since I started writing my blog three and a half years ago Amazing things have happened I've won awards I've met the most amazing people Who I now call friends I've participated in studiesHelped students with projectsAnd more recently was contacted by a magazine to write an articleMore of which to come I've been contacted by people from all over the world People who are also suffering Concerned family members Friends My blog has been an amazingly strong force for good in my life And I am so grateful for that As we all know There is strength in numbers And I truly believe that by joining forces together We can put up a resistance to mental health issues And addiction 
I guess sometimes I can get a little overwhelmed by my situationWriting that piece for the magazine It brought me back to my past And the reasons I turned to drugs and food It can all seem like too much when I condense it like that I suppose I feel like I am at a disadvantage a lot of the time I have had to fight tooth and nailTo get to the point that most people start offI struggle just to get through the day Without completely losing my mindOr my marbles I try my best every dayTo be the best version of myself that I can beI've come a long way in the last year But there is much work to be done I am trying though And with the help of my family I know I will get there 
I also wanted to say thank youTo you my little blogger family For being there Every single step of the wayFor believing in me When I didn't believe in myselfFor reading For commentingFor emailing and texting You have been nothing short of amazing And I love and treasure every one of you 
So if you are feeling low todayIf you feel like hope is slipping away That you are so tired of holding onOf fighting Of trying to be wellI want to urge you to keep going I promise youThings can and will get better All we have to do is deal with this day 24 hours Anything is possible in that space of time Our whole lives can transform in the space of a day The important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the otherAnd keep going Do what you have to do to stay wellTake time for yourself Put yourself first Be kind to you And gentle Because you are worth itAnd you deserve to be as well as you can So please Today If you do one thing Say to yourself I'm exactly where I am supposed to be Because you areWe all areWe are good people Yes you tooYou are a good personAnd you deserve to be well and happy We all do So please Do this today You won't regret itI promise you