Attacking the Problem

Monday againIt's hard to believe that it's November alreadyWhere does the time go?Monday is doctor day for me My own doctor has been away the last few weeks so it was nice to see him this morning Before he spoke to me He said he had to ring home for a second This is what I heard 
'Hello loveYea it's meListen I brought your phone by mistake to work this morningYea remember this morning in the bedroomWhen I was putting on my trousers I put the wrong phone in my pocketCan you come and collect it please?GreatThank loveBye bye bye bye....'
I had to fight back the laughter while he was speakingAs it was so funny to hear him out of doctor modeSome times I forget thdt he has a whole life outside of being a doctorAfter that We had a quick chatHe filled out my prescriptionAnd I went on to my next appointment
I saw Breda this morning thenI haven't seen her since before I went to TurkeySo I was long overdue a chat with her There was a lot to cover I told her about Turkey About my driving testAt first I was totally avoiding talking about my meds But I promised myself I would So I tentatively brought up the subject I always find this kind of thing really difficult to bring up to the professionalsI don't want to disappoint them I don't want to worry them And it's just really hard admitting that I messed up yet againHowever I told herShe said thdt I was becoming complacent And on dodgy groundShe also mentioned that I have too much time on my hands Which is very trueI  bored The days and nights are longI need something to stimulate my mind Because at the moment I am wishing my life awayBreda encouraged me to contact the women's center in the next village To do some short coursesI've done courses there in the pastThey do things like mindfulness and personal developement Which are interesting to meSo I will get on to that 
The other topic she broachedWas that of meetings As you know Up until a few months ago I was going to meetings regularly But I've let that slide And now haven't been to one in quite a while Breda made a good point though She said thdt I don't have to go every dayOnce or twice a week is fine And I can go to ones that I feel comfortable atSo that's my goal this weekTo get my addict ass to a meetingI have to goI will goI give you my wordi am still giving my meds to my motherAnd that is working pretty wellIt's not an ideal situation But it's a must for now
Given everything that has happened over the last few weeks I am now being a bit more cautious about what I write about here in my blogDon't get me wrong I will still be as honest as everAnd continue to fight this battle against addiction and mental illnessI don't know how to be any other wayBut I am being careful not to write anything that might leave myself too exposed or vulnerableOr any one else eitherAgainJust because it has happened Doesn't mean thdt I have to blog about itBut because I am not writing so openly anymoreI am finding it harder and harder to find things to write aboutI still want to write every dayBut I won't put pressure on myselfOr beat myself up if I can't think of anything to write I write at the same time every timeI get up of a morning Have a cuppa Walk the dogs And while I'm walking themI think about what topic I wil write about thdt dayThen I come home And settle in my living room with another cuppa and my phone and write It gives my day structure And it's something thdt I do at the same time every day Almost like a job 
I have to admit That over the last few weeksI have thought about stopping writing and deleting my blog All of a sudden I felt really paranoid Open Exposed Vulnerable Because as we all know Once you put something on the Internet It is nigh on impossible to take it back There have been times when I have read backo vet my blogAnd deleted certain postsAs I felt I had left myself in a dangerous position Too open And I don't knowIn the future I might regret being so brutally honest here on my blogAs it's very possible thdt it could come back to haunt meWhen I started writing my blog back in 2012I wrote anonymously And didn't post any photos I think there are negatives and positives to being anonymousBut as time went on I decided to be more open I began posting photos Of myself My dogs And my family And I know that my blog is easily found on the Internet So there is really no hiding I do keep my name to myself But it's not a million miles away from the name Ruby 
Blogger is the only social media that I use I don't use FacebookTwitter Or InstagramI document my life here I love writing Love my blog And I love all of you Blogging at the moment is a hobby for meBut I would love if it was something more I would love to make my of in to a book Or to write for other publications I am passionate about helping others with addiction issues and eating disorders For a long time My writing was focused on my illness And trying to stay saneAnd stay aliveNow my blog is about trying to stay clean  and soberTrying to stay free from disordered eatingAnd helping others I hope that people read my blogAnd get a little piece of hopeThat if I can come through this Then you can tooAnd noI am not perfect I make mistakes on a daily basis As you know I have done a lot of incredibly stupid things over the years Things thdt continue to haunt meI have more than enough reason to believe that I am a bad personSo much evidence to support that suggestion But what I am trying to do Is learn from my mistakes And not to repeat them againRecovery is not easyAnd again I am not doing it perfectly Not by a long shot But as they say in the roomsIt's not about perfectionIt's about progressI just have to keep fighting And putting the effort in And I will be ok More than okI will be aliveAnd will want to be alive 
For the longest timeI genuinely didn't care if I lived or died Life meant nothing to meAnd I wasn't afraid of dying Life scared me moreI often describe it as having a passive death wishI wasn't actively seeking out my own deathBut I welcomed it with open arms I just couldn't stand myself Couldn't stand being in my own headI hated myself Hated the way I looked My personalityHated the way I lived my life My behaviour My weightI hated everything about myself It's only now A year in to my recovery That I am beginning to like myself I'm not quite loving myself yet But I am getting thereBaby steps all the wayI'm not perfect I never will be But I am doing my best To be a good personA good daughter Sister Auntie Doggy mamaI am loved by my nearest and dearest And at the age of 34 I am just beginning to figure out who I am And what I do about It's scary It's weird It's funIt's terrifying Thrilling Exciting BoringMonotonous It's hard But it is so worth it I promise you that