At a Loss....

Do you ever wish you could turn back?And change history?I sure do I feel sick to my stomach about what has gone on in the comments section of my blog the last couple of days I also learned a big lessonJust because it happened Doesn't mean I have to blog about itWhich leads me to think that maybe I am being too honest on my blog Maybe I should censor myself a bit moreAnd not be so frank all the time Maybe I should take a break from blogging to asses where I am at Because I am not in a good place
The reason I am upset today Is not just what happened with MarlaBut because this is the second time this suggestion has been brought to my attentionI don't know if you remember Loulou who use to be a close friend of mine We texted and emailed every dayShe was good to meAnd I did my best to help She also brought it to my attention the idea that our community is not healthy I disagreed with herAnd we had a huge argument All through textsAnd I haven't heard from her sinceThdt must be about a year ago nowSo this tension with Marla reminds me of Loulou And makes me question myself And my motives for writing And the support we give each other I don't know if you read the anonymous comment left on my last point The writer brought up a lot of good points It was food for thought for sure
After everything that happened yesterday I had a long chat with my mother We talked about where I am at And what I need to do to keep moving forward Of course the subject of meds came upAs it always does I've agreed to let my mother take responsibility of my meds from now onAs I just can't trust myself Ive decided not to speak to my doctor about it But I will speak to Breda when I see her next week 
My mother also reminded me That back in August I told her that I was going to use this year to get a good foundation in my recovery Thdt I was going to take my meds correctly Go to meetings And stay in touch with friends I have done none if these things so farI haven't been to a meeting in months I'm abusing my meds And I've lost touch with all my friends So the only social outlet I have is here on my blogThat can't be healthy I know I need to focus on my real life relationships more 
I am stuck at the monent I acknowledge that I've come a long wayBut thdt doesn't mean I stop where I am There is still a long long way to goAfter speaking with my mom last night I asked her to help meTo felt me with my meds To help me get to meetings Which I have decided to go back toAs they do helpAnd keep me grounded in my recovery I know I will need support to get back on track 
Last night was horrible I couldn't look at the rest of the comments until this morning I felt so bad for MarlaAnd so guilty for my actions I spoke to my mom about bloggingAnd if it is healthy for me She made the point that a lot more positive things have come out of it than negativeThat is true95% of the feedback I get on my blog is positive And so many cool things have happened recently Being asked to do write for different publications And being able to help others So I won't stop blogging I will continue to write Just maybe not in the same way 
Today I am wondering if in fact is as healthy and productive as we think it isYes we are all friends Yes we support each other But are we being honest with each other? Are we telling each other what we want to hearOr what we need to hear?I am undecided on this right now I'm just not sure Marla made a point And I am wondering if there is any truth in itI think back to my stints in treatment And remember how we all competed to be the sickest The thinnest Who needed the most attention from staffI'm wondering if I Ruby do seek approval To be told that I am okThdt I have come a long wayAnd therefore don't need to go any furtherI don't profess to be perfectI am the anthisesis of perfectionAnd am no poster girl for recovery But I need to keep plugging away at my recovery And keep fighting for my life I am honest here Probably to a fault And now I don't where to go from here Do I keep blogging as usual?Do I take a break?I'm still thinking about these things Because I need to get my priorities straight if I truly want to recover Which I do 
I guess I have some serious thinking to doTo reevaluate where I am at Jo made  the point yesterday That we need to stick together Because we are all in the some boat We shouldn't be pulling each other downShe is so right I don't want to argue with anyone And I certainly don't want to hurt anyoneMarla has emailed meAnd she is ok But she is not going to read anymore I feel sad about this That she came to my blog looking for supportAnd ended up in the eye of a storm I learned some hard lessons over the past couple of days Next time I will think before I writev