How does one break through a confusing situation?
Just as the title indicates, my life seems to fluctuate at a rapid pace. Although my depression and mania are in check as a result of my medication, they are not able to stop life’s actions. It seems as if my life is destined to be full of pain and failure. No matter how much I fight for a better future, luck seems to have a different path for me (I don’t believe in the idea of fate, rather I believe only in luck or the lack of luck. I don’t like the idea that my life has been determined for me, rather I believe that certain major events can have a devastating impact on one’s life. There have been numerous instances where these events have occurred that forced my life in a new direction. And it seems to keep happening no matter what I do). Well another one of these events has occurred, although I’ve found a job, I’ve now lost my support group and the “friends” that I had there. I just don’t get why all of these bad things keep happening to me and my family. A black cloud seems to follow us wherever we go no matter what we do….
I’m stopping this post here, because I have to go to work which is something positive, it clashes unfortunately with this dark pit and causes me to have mixed feelings. Although I’ve allowed myself to be consumed by the darkness I’m trying to push forward, I’m trying to forget the girl that I liked who responded to question of love with a vile response, one that hurt quite a bit (but what hurt even more was that I had told her a few months prior in a text that I liked her, but she never responded. In fact, she didn’t text me for over two weeks, but when she did resume communication with me it was as if I never asked. I saw her during my support group and she acted “normally,” she didn’t look at me differently, she didn’t tell me why she stopped testing and she didn’t ask me about the text I had sent her. That was the most frustrating and hurtful experience that I had encountered, and unfortunately it combined with my already deteriorating mental state and sent me off into a horrible mixed episode. Now I know what you are thinking, that I am not stable enough to date as it would not be fair to the other party and you are right, however, in this instance it would have been better if she just said “no,” as I would have been able to move on instead of obsessing over her and the possibility of love. However, when she sent the text message to my friend, my inner self became consumed with rage and despair. Not only did she not tell me herself, the response she gave was quite hurtful. Understandably, I had Jason ask her if she liked me, but she could have at least sent the response to me, or text me later that day. But I haven’t heard anything from her since and as a result of this event I’m stopping myself from going to the support group as I noted above. The reason is that I constantly gave my hear to these people, spending a great deal of time helping them with their issues and struggles. But when I needed help or advice no one was home, no one came to help me as they didn’t care what happened to me.
A chance to break through the confusion
However, one person did help me: J (please see the previous post to find out who J is), the leader of the support group. J has helped me immensely over the last year and in return I’ve helped him. He is an amazing friend and someone I am beyond lucky to have in my life. Not only has he given me hope that there can be a new future but he has also given me a job. I don’t know where I would be without J. Yes, this paragraph is the complete opposite of the previous one, but I guess I just wanted to share with you the one positive that came out of the support group. I’m still livid with the group and I don’t know if I can ever forgive them, but I do have a chance to make a new future for myself, one that has me learning to accept my own strengths which is going to be hard because I am so used to hating myself and putting myself down. The anger I have towards to myself is massive to the point of suffocation, for the longest time I did not believe anyone when they said I was bright or kind, or gregarious, or talented with writing, I thought I was a worthless piece of shit that was a burden on everyone around me (I don’t know when this started, but I became aware of it a few years ago). It saddens me to realize that I think about myself in such a negative way, however, I need to positive and hopeful that I can change.
Well that is all for now, as I have to get ready to go out and paint some curbs. Wish me luck, so that I can make enough money for rent. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read my blog.
Dave.
