I decided to write an updated version as I think it still applies to me
I watched a documentary last night called 'Are we all addicts?' presented by Cherry Healey on BBC3
She explored different different substances that people seem to get addicted to eg diet pills and slimming aids, legal highs, laughing gas (never heard of that one) and viagraOne girl she interviewed had a cupboard full of pills and potions to help her lose weight and she confessed to trying any diet going.
I could identify with this girl as she was a former dancer and had put on weight after she stopped dancing.
I remember when I danced people were always saying 'be careful when you stop because your muscles turn to fat'
This was of course not true
The presenter of the show also spoke about her battle with weight and confessed to buying diet pills during the filming of the show.
I've bought diet pills twice and twice they didn't work but I can identify with wanting to believe that maybe this is magical answer to all my weight worries
Even though the diet pills didn't work I still have them in my room and every now and then I think 'maybe they'll work this time' and try them again
No doubt diet pills can be addictive but the feeling is also addictive, the feeling that this is the answer to all my problems
The feeling of starting a diet whether it works or not, the promise of happiness
When my eating disorder started it wasn't about weight, I never weighed myself and had no idea I was ill, I just knew that not eating made me feel better, not eating made me feel amazing
It was only when doctors started weighing me that I became aware of my weight and bmi
I learned what an anorexic was supposed to weigh and because I had been given this label I put pressure on myself to stay below that weight
Of course like a lot of people somewhere along the way I got the message that thin equals happiness and success
I know now that couldn't be further from the truth
I know myself that I can get addicted to something very easily, not just to the usual suspects like drugs and alcohol but to anything that gives me a good feeling
If I discover a food I like (at the moment it's twix bars) I eat it constantly and get anxious if I know there are none in the house so I stock up on them
I remember a few years ago my 'food' was drifter bars
I ate them like they were going out of fashion
And then they did
All of a sudden shops stopped stocking them
I remember one day being with my mother in the car and getting her to drive me from shop to shop to shop looking for these bars.
I felt no different to when I craved heroin
I just had to have them and only them, no other chocolate bar would do
I remember around this time my boss gave me a birthday present of a bumper box of 48 drifters
You couldn't have given me a better gift
He knew me well
They were my drug
Same shit different substance
Television can be addictive to me
I could easily sit in front of the t.v for a day straight flicking from channel to channel watching endless
programmes
Sometimes I find it really difficult to tear myself away from it and will schedule my day around my favorite shows
I used to watch box sets in bed at night for hour,s I've stopped now as I wasn't getting any sleep
I've watched the whole boxset of The Sopranos back to back 3 times
Same with Mad Men
Same with Grey's Anatomy
Same with .........
The internet
I'm probably not alone with this one
Who hasn't looked up from their computer screen and realised that 4 hours have gone by since you last moved
I know I need to sign off when I'm holding my pee so I think I'm going to burst
I'm not a huge Facebook fan but endless google searches about anything and everything keep me plenty occupied
Hands up if you're addicted to the internet!
Tea
I don't drink coffee but I sure as hell am addicted to tea
I'm up about an hour and a half and I'm on my third cup of tea
And I have special cups that I drink out of
I'm afraid to count how many I drink a day
I remember in treatment they took my big cup off me and replaced it with a small one
Ididn't see the big deal until they pointed out I was getting up 3 times a night to make tea
They locked the kitchen after that
I think the tea is a comfort thing, a nice warm drink that soothes the soul
That and the caffeine of course
Exercise
Once I start I find it hard to stop
If I don't get 2-3 walks a day I freak out a bit
Having 2 dogs is my excuse and I'm sticking to it
Cigarettes
The worst culprit of all
I hate that I love them
I wish I'd never started
My dad gave them up recently and made it look very easy
And yes I 'm afraid to give them up incase I gain weight
Shopping
I can go through phases of spending money like a maniac
Money that I don't have
My weakness is clothes
And internet shopping
It's so easy just to click
It doesn't feel like spending money at all
Shoplifting
This is part of my ED
I went through a period where I shoplifted a lot
Food
Clothes
Make up
Jewellery
Anything without a security tag
Oh I almost forgot medication
I've been taking it for so long I forget to count it, 10 years now
Methadone is the most addictive of the meds I am on
However I'm weaning off it slowly, it's taking years
I am mentally and physically addicted to my meds
If I don't have them for some reason, I really lose my shit
They are like a buffer between me and reality
On that note I was wondering about you
Are you addicted to anything be it drink, drugs or the weird and the wonderful
I'd love to know
