Archive

I spent about an hour and a half last night reading my blog archiveIt was truly fascinatingEvery little detail from the last three years of my life documentedIt really was like reading about someone else's lifeA lot of things I had forgottenThank you pesky short term memory lossSome things I had blocked from my memorySome things I didn't even want to be reminded of But what a journey I have been onI forget a lot of the time how much has happenedWhat I have been throughWhat I have survivedIt's crazy
I went back to March 2013Because I wanted to read about the time when I had pancreatitisThat time is very hazyAnd to read all about itAs if I was a third person was chillingIt was after that hospitalisation that I began to lose weight rapidlyA lot of the posts around that time are about appointments with MaryI don't really think about her right now because it's easier not toBut she really was an amazingly positive influence in my lifeTo read about herThe stories she told meThe way she told me endlessly that I could get well And live a full and happy lifeShe was so sureSo sure that I could recoverWhy did I ever doubt her?
Sometimes I think about my lifeAnd how little I have to show for my 33 years on this earthIf I think about it too muchIt can really get me downPeople always tell me That I have overcome so muchI've battled drug addictionAlcoholismAnorexia and bulimiaBut I have had to fight those demons to get to the point where most people start offI am now at the point in my lifeOr least I am getting to the point in my lifeWhere most people are before they can walkA 'normal' healthy functioning human beingI feel like I am so far behindI don't know if I will ever catch up Or if I even want to
I have far too much time on my handsAnd my mind is going to 'dark and twisty' places Too dark and twisty for my likingI think about drugsAnd how I miss themI think about The boyAnd how much trouble we could get in togetherI think about deathAnd how I equally fear it and welcome itI really wish my mind had an off switch As all this thinking is making me crave oblivion