Anxiety

I don't know about you but I suffer from anxiety in a big way
I wasn't always like thisI remember being a teenagerI was so fearlessNothing phased meI could talk to anyoneGo anywhereI was quite content just being meWell actually that's not 100% accurate because I started drinking and drugging when I was a teenager so maybe there was anxiety there and I just didn't recognize it
Anyway I spent quite a few years in a drug and alcohol fueled haze so if there was anxiety there it was well covered upMy eating disorder then cane to the fore when I got cleanAnd a bundle of anxiety came with itFor me, anxiety is a fear that I won't be able to cope with whatever life throws at meIt's constantly asking the question 'What if?'What if I go out and leave the cooker on and the house burns down down?What if I drive  up this hill and the car cuts out?What if I start a new job and no one likes me?What if..........?It's constantly projecting in to the future and predicting the worst
I think anxiety also stems form having low self esteem and low self confidenceIf you have very little confidence in your abilities, then you don't have a lot of faith that you can cope with the unpredictable I find that I have great difficulty making decisionsBecause I think that whatever choice I make will be the wrong choiceIt could be something as small as what brand of bread to buyOr what color to dye your hairIt's a fear of getting it wrongPart of me can understand why people with OCD  obsessively wash their hands or use constant checking to ease their anxietyThe behaviours go some way to relieve their anxiety and make them feel better
Because I bought a new car recently I have had quite a lot of anxiety around itMy new car is an automatic and up until now I have only ever driven a manualMy father was encouraging me to go for this car but I was hesitantI had very little self belief that I would manage the automaticIn the end I went for it and lo and behold, I can do it!To date, I have successfully dodged 2 dogs, a cat and a sheep(Did I mention I also have anxiety about running over an animal?)
Last week I was driving to another town about half an hour awayA few minutes in to the drive I began to think that one of the pedals was slipperyCue visions of me crashing in to the nearest treeI started to feel panicky and kept feeling the pedal with my footMy breathing became shallowI felt shaky and I was sweating bucketsI had to turn down the radio and take deep breathes until it began to passAnd it does pass
I experience a lot of anxiety around the unpredictableIf everything is going along as planned, then I am fineBut if something happens that I haven't foreseenThen you can bet that my old friend anxiety will begin creeping inAlthough this is all happening in my head, anxiety can be a very physical thingI remember at Christmas I was asked to do a reading at my uncle's weddingI can't tell you how much anxiety and stress that 3 lined prayer of the faithful caused meFor days before it I was obsessively reading it over and over againThe day of the wedding I had my brother on standby in case I just couldn't do itAs I sat in the church my heart thumped so loud in my chest, I was sure everyone could hear itMy palms were sweatingMy face was twitchingIt was like a huge adrenalin surge and all I could think was 'What if I fall?'What if I stand up and my skirt is stuck in my pants?What if I go blank and mess it all up?All these thoughts were whizzing through my head and I really thought I was about to pass outBut I did itI managed to act like the veritable swanCalm on the surface but paddling furiously beneath itSo what if I had fallenI'd simply have stood up, brushed myself off and continued as if nothing had happenedIf my skirt had got caught, I'm sure someone would have told me
That's the thing with anxietyThe anxiety before an event is always far worse than the event itselfIt's the anticipationThe run up to the event9 times out of 10 things run perfectly smoothlyAnd if it doesn't?So what?I'll manage I'll copeI just need to have more faith in myselfIt's not the end of the worldI'll feel the fear and do it anywayShe says so confidently until the next time she gets anxious
I am on meds for anxietyQuite a lot of medsYes, it does take the edge offMindfulness also helpsBut nothing eases my anxiety completelyIt's part of lifeWe all experience itSome more than othersBut most people don't let it stop them living their livesWhereas at the moment I have
The strange thing is that I tend to get anxious about the smaller things in lifeThe big stuff doesn't phase me as muchI'd do a bungee jump any day of the weekBut walk in to a room full of people I don't know?No thank you very much
I was wondering about you?Do you experience anxiety?What helps you deal with it?Answers on a postcard please............