As something I have noticed that has improved recently is my anxiety
I can trace my anxiety back to when I was a teenager
I was bullied by girls from another school
And after school I was always anxious that I would run in to them
I also used to get anxious for no reason at all
I could be sitting in class
And all of a sudden I would get this horrible feeling
Like a wave of fear and anxiety washed over me
It was like having an out of body experience
And was very scary
It never occurred to me to tell anyone though
I thought people would think I was mas if I told them
The next few years were taken up with drug use
So I can't tell you if I was anxious then or not
But after I got clean
Anxiety creeped back in to my life
Around crowds of people
Around new people
Even around my some of my own family
It was a horrible feeling
If I had something coming up
Like a family gathering or event
I would start worrying weeks before the event
I would imagine all the things that could go wrong
All the stupid things I would say
And do
The anxiety of that would keep me in a constant state of worry and fear
I always projected in the future
And imagined the worst possible outcome
My anxiety usually was at it's height when I was anticipating an event
And usually the event wasn't as bad as I thought it would be
Despite my anxiety
I managed to live my life
It got in the way
But it didn't take over
Then when my ED got out of control
My anxiety really kicked in
It peaked when I was at my lowest weight
I'm sure there is a reason why the two are connected
Although I'm not sure what that is
I used to go to NA and AA meeting
And my anxiety went through the roof
They read out readings at the start of each meeting
And I remember praying that I wouldn't be asked to read one out
My anxiety actually had physical effects
My throat would get dry
My mouth would twitch
And my whole body would shake
It was truly horrible
When I first went in to hospital in 2007
They put me on olanzapine to help with my anxiety
I am now on 12.5mg a day
Does it help?
Well, kinda
Sort of
I dread to think what I would be like without it
At the beginning of this year
My anxiety began to take over
I came out of hospital in February
And continued to spiral downwards
I was in a constant state of anxiety
So much so that I rarely left the house
And only did so in the early morning to do my errands
I really felt like I was losing the plot
I remember going to my mother one morning
I told her that I needed to go in to hospital because I was going mad
I truly felt like I was
My anxiety kept me in a state of constant worry
If I was in the house
I would worry that someone would call to the house unexpectedly
And I will admit to hiding behind the couch on several occasions after the door bell rang
Also if my phone rang
I couldn't answer it
I was always afraid of who would be ringing me
What would they want?
For me, anxiety ha always been the fear that I won't be able to handle what life throws at me
That I will crumble
And fall
That I won't have the common sense or the strength to deal with life and its hurdles
I guess it stems from having low self confidence and low self esteem
If you feel capable and able
Then you have no reason to feel anxious
But if you don't
Then everything is a challenge
Now that I have gained weight
My anxiety has improved beyond belief
I didn't realize how anxious I actually was until I started to feel better
Now I feel a lot more stable and able to deal with life
So I don't have reason to get anxious
Obviously I still get some anxiety
But nothing like the way it was
It's one of the main things that I think about when I think I want to lose weight again
I think about the anxiety I used to experience
And I never want to go back there
In general
I am an anxious person
So I guess I will always have to deal with a certain amount of anxiety
And that's ok
That's life
I now know that I am a capable human being
And I can manage what ever life throws at me
There are a couple of different ways that I manage anxiety
Deep breathing can be really helpful to calm the mind and body
Mindfulness
Meditation
One thing that I do when I feel anxious
Is tell myself over and over again that everything is ok
And I am ok
Or at least I will be
I was wondering about you
Do you suffer from anxiety?
What do you do to deal with it?
