Another Year Over...

I can't believe it's December alreadyI can remember last Christmas like it was yesterdayTime is going too fast for my liking The past couple of days have been really tough The toughest I've had in more than a yearMy bingeing and purging is spinning wildly out of control It's beginning to frighten meAs I can't seem to stopRewind to May 2014 I was purging up to twenty times a dayAnd following a half hearted overdoseI was started on ProzacIt really helped me get my food issues under control And evened me out But lately My life has been one huge binge, purge session I think back to how I let this slipI remember the navy trousersAnd wanting to fit back in to themI wanted to lose a few poundsI had no intention of becoming underweight againI just wanted to be a size where I felt comfortableSo I cut out chocolate And tried to eat mindfully However My brain seemed to go straight to ED modeAnd the purging began to increaseFast forward three weeks laterThe navy trousers now fitAnd are even a bit big I've lost more than a few pounds   But the purging persists And I am Losing the will to live I spoke to Breda todayAnd will be seeing her MondayI also texted Mary todayAnd hopefully she will get back to meIt's time to call in the troopsBatten down the hatches And prepare for a fight The time of year doesn't help eitherAlready there is so much food around And it's hard to resist I would just love to see MaryIf only to do out a meal planAnd see where I am going wrong Yesterday was horrendous I was literally going around in circles From the kitchen to the living room to the bathroomI have a path wornIt's crazy Mindless eatingJust stuffing it in to meOnly to bring it back up seconds later For meThere is a lot of shame attached to these behavioursGuiltAnd embarrassment I mean who wants to admit that they spent half the day with their head in the toilet bowlI also feel greedy Let me give you an example A few days ago I made dinner for my sister, my parents and I Beef goulash After we all had someThere was about two portions leftWhich I planned to have when everyone went to bed Then unexpectedly My other sister and my nephew called downAs the power had gone in their houseOut of politeness I asked them if they wanted some dinner Secretly hoping they would say noWhich they did But my mother insisted that they have someI got really annoyed that therewould be none left for meAnd had to leave the room in fear that I would throw tantrum in front of everyoneThis is one example of how irrational my EDI would rather have eaten and purged two portions of the stewRather than give them to my sister and nephew who were probably starving That right there Is insanityI'm on my own for a couple of daysIt's nice to have some time to myself But it also means that my ED can run riot I swear guysI just don't have the energy for this anymoreI'm exhausted And the thought of another day bingeing and purging is enough to send me bat shit crazyI know I'm going to have to talk to my doctor tooTo check my bloodsAnd just to let him know what is happening I really thought that I had left these days behind meApparently not And I mean reallyWhat is the point of losing a few pounds If you have to puke your guts up to get there I don't know guysIt's a difficult time of year Especially if you are trying to remain in recoveryOr trying to stay clean and sober and smoke freeIt's not called the silly season for nothingThankfullyWe are having a quiet family Christmas this yearWith only my neighbor joining us for dinnerI don't think I could handle any more than that 
With all that saidI was wondering about youHow do you deal with slips/relapses?What do you find helps to get you back on track?Do you have any advice for me?All responses welcome....