Community Magazine

And Then She Disappeared

By Rubytuesday
I often read a bloggers name or blog title and wonder what it means
Or why they chose it
It is obviously of some importance to them and I am intrigued to know the story behind it
When I was choosing a title for my own blog, I had a few in the running
Beauty from pain
Wearing thin
Or simply Anorexia and Me
But I kept coming back to And then she disappeared
Why?
Because I was planning to disappear
It was as simple as that
I started writing this blog just over two years ago
I had been reading blogs for quite some time and finally decided to start my own April 2012
Back then I was in a dark place
I had pushed all my friends away
I felt so alone
And I was in it up to my neck with my ED
I don't consider myself a very proficient speaker so writing was perfect for me
I feel so much more able to put my feelings and thoughts down on paper than I do speaking them
I was adamant that this blog would not be a pro-ana blog
But reading back on my first few posts I can see that I was coming quite close
I'm really not comfortable with the idea of people egging each other on to lose weight
It just doesn't sit well with me
So I was planning to disappear
I couldn't find a reason to go on
Recovery seemed so far away
I can think of a thousand reasons for you to recover but I couldn't find one for me to recover
I just wanted to slip away quietly
I felt like I was a massive burden on my family
I truly felt like they would be better off without me
I hadn't made any concrete plans to disappear
I hadn't decided how or when
But I would say that I had a passive death wish
I wasn't actively seeking it
But I was willing it to happen
I wanted it to happen
I just didn't have the courage to do it myself
A lot has happened in the past two years
The most significant thing that has changed is that I am not planning to disappear any more
I can now see that I have a lot to live for
I have an amazing family who cherish me
I know it would literally kill then if something happened to me
I have friends
One particularly good friend who has helped me massively
She has never turned her back on me even when I pushed her away
I have 2 dogs
Lea and Honey have saved my life over and over again
They will never know how much they have helped me
I've discovered a love for writing
I've found that I am not alone
That I am not the only one going through these things
I now want to live
I didn't want to for a long time
I couldn't see a future for myself
I couldn't see beyond my ED
Now I can
Now I can see that there is life worth living
That there is life after addiction and disordered eating
I know that I have a long way to go
I know it won't be smooth sailing
I know this will be toughest thing that I ever do
But what is the alternative?
Living this half life
Some where between life and death
In anorexias waiting room
I've given almost 14 years of my life to this cruel illness
I'm not willing to give any more
I don't even know if I can say that I am in recovery
I don't feel like I am
I feel like I am in a kind of wishy washy no mans land
Limbo
In between my ED and recovery
I'm an all or nothing type of person
Black or white
So to be in this place is beyond frustrating
I have one foot in my ED
And one foot in recovery
I need to make a decision one way or the other
Ed or recovery
Life or death
You would think that this choice would be easy
It's not
I want to hold on to some parts of my ED
And that's just not part of the deal if I choose recovery
It has to be one or the other
A while ago my sister suggested that I change the name of my blog to And then she escaped
I really like that
I was wondering about you
Why did you choose the name of your blog?
What does it mean to you?
Do you have suggestions as to what I could change my name to?
I'd love to know

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