Community Magazine

Ana's Return

By Rubytuesday
You know that game Where you use a little hammer to hit the heads that pop upAnd as soon as you hit one downAnother one pops up somewhere elseThat is exactly what my life feels like right nowLet me explain
I have what they call 'dual addiction'In that I battle both substance abuseAnd an eating disorderBut you already knew thatSince the age of 18I have bounced between the twoWhen one is under controlThe other spins out of control
For instance When I was using a few weeksMy ED was in the backgroundAs drugs dominated my every waking momentIt's not that my ED had gone awayIt was just lying dormant And was bound to erupt at some point
ThenI managed to get my using under controlAnd hey prestoWhat do ya know?My ED returneth 
At first it was purging My old friend bulimia was back in townAll re-charged after a restShe meant businessBut along with bulimiaThe negative thinkingAnd the madness returnedI could feel it seeping in to my body and mindLike a poison working its way through my systemI just couldn't handle it So I went to the other extremeAnd stopped eating
At first it was like a gameTo see how long I could go without eating10 hours24 hours36 hoursI wanted to see how far I could push it
But every action has a consequenceAnd usually restriction like this ends up in an almighty bingeThe taste of food after a fast can go one of two waysIt can either taste amazingOr make you feel sick to your stomachAnd you never can tell until you eat it
After every bingeThe restriction starts a freshNew game New playerLet's see if we can beat our last score
Fasting for me is actually hellishI spend the whole time arguing in my head about whether to eat or notSometimes it feels like I am going madGoing insaneMaybe I have alreadyI don't know
My weight is down a few pounds Nothing to worry about But I need to get on top of thisBefore I fall head first down the rabbit holeWhich we all know can happen in the blink of an eye
I'm also struggling with meetings I haven't been to one in two days nowBut I am determined to get back on trackTo get back to a meeting a dayEvery road has its bumpsAnd I am hoping that is all this is 

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