A Weighty Issue

After posting the photos I took yesterday on my blog I became slightly paranoidI worried what people would think about the way I lookWould they think I was chunky?Too big?With big boobs and big hipsI wasn't happy with the photos But then I never am So I posted them anyway As I haven't posted a photo in quite a while I have no earthly clue what I weighAnd haven't weighed in a couple of months I do get curious from time to time But I really do think I am better off not knowing Ignorance is bliss and all that The last time I weighed I was X kilosPutting me at a BMI of 19-20I can live with that That is healthy I don't try to control my weight anymore I don't watch what I eatI don't restrict or cut out any food groups I allow myself sweets and treats I believe everything in moderationIncluding moderationAs for my weight WellI guess I am going by how I feel Rather than what I look likeOr what I weighAnd I do feel good I do feel healthyAnd my clothes still fit perfectly So I am happy enough with that I can't lie though Sometimes I get a huge urge to weigh myself And I plan to buy a set of scales But I soon come to my senses And realize that would be a step back
I am slowly but surely growing to accept my new body I am so used to bring small and weakBut at the moment I am strong and fit Horse riding is helping me tone upAnd I feel curvy and shapely My body image varies from day to day Some days I hate what I see in the mirror Some days I can't find a stitch of clothing that looks half decent on me Some days all I see are rolls of fat But I also have good days When I appreciate my hour glass figure When I can see how womanly my curves are When I can appreciate the marvelous instrument that my body is I no longer hanker after a stick thin body I no longer wish I was underweight Not only is it not a good lookIt's down right unhealthy and dangerous 
So I will continue not to weigh As I no longer measure my self worth in pounds and ounces Sometimes I do think it would be nice to lose a few pounds But I thought that last year And ended up losing 12 kilos And relapsing quite spectacularly I really don't know if it's possible to lose a few pounds safety in recoveryI know I've never been able to do that Because I don't know when to stopIt's always a case of 'I'll just lose a couple more pounds' And before you know it Your hipbones are sharp enough to slice bead And your clothes hang off you so much that you could be a west coast rapperYou know what?I don't want to be pin thinI know I can't be that way without being desperately illAnd more than that I don't want to be they way You know what happens when you are severely underweight?People pity you And feel sorry for you I used to welcome that pity But not anymore No way I don't want pity or sympathy I don't want people to feel sorry for meYes I want to be liked But not at the expense of my health Now it really doesn't bother me if someone likes me or not I have enough people in my life who like and love me More than enough 
I am well at the moment The best I've been in a very long time So I am trying to keep doing the things that keep me well While trying to let go of those that hold me back It's a balancing act But I am incredibly grateful to have all that I have in my life I know I am blessed Yes I gAve had to deal with a lot of shit in my life But I've also been granted the strength to get through it I'm growing up I'm thriving right now Work is bringing out the best in me And I'm just so happy to be living my life And growing and blossoming as a person As woman As a daughter A friend A sister An auntie A horse rider A doggy mama A worker I am truly so much more than my illness I know that now My illness is now only a sliver of the pie that is my life How awesome is that......?