A Weighty Issue....

I just spent about 45 minutes trying to take a flattering photograph of myselfTo post here on my blogI put on make upTried on different clothesPut my hair upTook it downStraightened itTried different posesSmilingFrowning PoutingBut no matter what I didIn my eyesI looked like a beached whaleI actually hated the way I lookedAnd it reduced me to tearsI finally gave upCertain that no matter what I didI would still be a fat girl with wonky teeth and lines around her mouth and eyes
I won't lie to youSince I stopped usingMy food issues are spinning out of controlI'm binging and purging like it's going out of fashion And am hating every second of itWhen I am binging and purging one of two things happensI either lose a lot of weight very quicklyOr I gain a lot of weight very quicklyUnfortunately for meThe latter is happening And I've gained 5 pounds in the last week5 pounds may not sound like a lotAnd of course it could be a fluctuationBut to meIt might as well be 50 poundsIt is bothering me that much 
I weigh myself every morningAnd that little number that shows up has the power to ruin or make my dayThat number dictates my self worthSelf esteemAnd confidence for that whole dayThat number can send me shooting into euphoriaOr spiralling down in to depressionI hate that it has so much power over meBut it doesI might be perfectly fine Mood stableFeeling good in myselfThen I step on the scaleAnd my whole world comes crashing downI shit you not
Because the scales is in my bedroomMembers of my family come in to weigh themselves from time to timeMy other sister was down on SundayAnd she asked me if she could weigh herselfI accompanied her down to my roomAs I am always fascinated to watch others weigh inFor me weighing is an intensely personal thingI do it aloneAnd the only other person who I would let see was MaryOf course I also like to watch others weighAs I compare my number to their number
So my sister and I went down to my roomShe removed her bootsAnd stood on the scaleI hope she won't mind me revealing her weight She was 142 poundsShe stands at about 5'2I was fascinated to watch her reactionAccording to her she had gained about 10 pounds since the last time she weighedShe was a bit disappointedBut she didn't let it get to herShe said she knew she had gainedAs her clothes felt tighter recentlyBut five minutes after she had weighedShe had forgotten all about itAnd got on with her day
My other sister is the sameShe weighs herself in my room from time to time Just to keep track of itAnd again the number makes little or no difference to herShe sees the number She may feel a bit happier or a bit disappointed momentarilyBut then she moves onAnd gets on with her dayHow I would love to be like that
I just ran over to my neighbour To tell her I would walk her dog in a whileI mentioned that I am going to have reflexology done todayShe seemed interested in itSo I was explaining that my counselor referred me to itMy neighbor asked me how I am doingAnd I told her I am good for the most partShe told me that I look greatCompared to what I looked like 18months agoI thanked her But it's still hard to accept complimentsI know people are kindAnd want to acknowledge my getting betterTheir heart is in the right place I understand thatBut I still find comments about my weight hard to takeMaube in time that will improveBut I guess it's still early days for me
My Dad has been staying with me for that last few daysWhile my Mum and sister are awayHe has noticed the binging and purgingAnd mentions it sometimesA lot of the time I am not even aware of itI'm on auto pilot Matching from the kitchen to the bathroomOver and over and over againIt's constantNon stopAnd it's exhaustingSoul destroyingRelentlessI hate it so muchAnd yet I can't stop
Breda tell me that I have been referred back to MaryAlthough I haven't heard anything yetI don't know if I mentioned itBut Mary has been reinstated to her job of ED therapist Which is just awesome!So hopefully I will hear from her soonAs I really need the extra support right now 
I turn 34 this yearThat means I've clocked up 16 years in the midst of this illnessAlmost half my lifeAnd my self worth has been intrinsically linked to my appearance and weight in all that timeIt's not that I want to go back to being underweightI really don't want to go back down that roadWhere I was sick and miserable and emaciatedBeen there Done that Bought the extra small t-shirtI want to be healthyI was to be strong and fit and ableI want to look like my ageBut I also want to feel good in my own skinI want to be able to walk down the street and not burst in to tears when I catch my reflection in a windowI want to be able to look in the mirror and thinkHey, you look okI want to be confident when someone takes out a camera to take a photoAnd I want to look at that photo and not want to die insideI just want to be ok to be meAnd to look like meYou know?
So yesI'm about 5 pounds heavier than I would like to beNot a huge amountBut enough to make me feel quite uncomfortable I'm not going on a diet Or anything like itBut I am going to be mindful of what I am eatingAnd try to make healthy choicesOn the other handI guess I could try to accept these 5 poundsI could try to love them the way I'm trying to love the rest of meI am still in the lower range of healthySo maybe I can afford to carry 5 extra poundsAnd maybe I will lose them as quickly as I gained them And anywayUs ladies are under a lot of pressure to be thinAnd to look perfectImperfection just isn't tolerated Ads on tv are all about trying to make us feel inadequate So we will buy that anti aging creamOr that lash volumizing mascaraThe advertisers like to keep us in a state of insecurity So we will buy whatever it is they are selling
And the thing isThe people who love usWill love us no matter what we look likeNo matter what dress size we are And no matter what we weighI know i don't judge people by how they look So why do I think others judge me?
Today I will accept the extra five pounds that clings to my bodyI will hold my head up highAnd walk with confidenceI will do my best to love myselfAnd to be kind to myselfGod knows I've hated myself for long enoughIt's time to call a truce on my bodyIt's time to let bygones be bygonesTo forgive and move onTo let go of all that hate that I've held on to for so long And to rockAnd make the most of what I've gotAre you with me ladies?For todayJust for todayLet's stop hating and bullying ourselves Let's be ourselvesAnd feel beautiful in our own skin I'm tired of hating on myself Are you?