I've been avoiding writing this particular post for a while now
But I feel I have to write about it
I have to be honest
So here goes
I came out of treatment in February
My BMI was 16
In the weeks following my BMI dropped to 15
I was happy enough at this weight
I still felt big but I knew the scale wasn't lying to me
Logically I knew I was quite underweight
But along with my weight my mood began to drop rapidly
Along with the weight, I felt like I was losing my mind
This culminated with a 'half hearted overdose'
Mary stepped in
And also my pychiatrist
I was started on Prozac 20mg
Which was then increased to 40mg
Here in lies the problem
It took a good 6 weeks for the Prozac to kick in
My mood began to lift
I didn't feel like I wanted to die all the time
Things were improving
But I also noticed some other changes
I am incredibly sleepy and dopey these days
And also I noticed that I am not purging half as much
I just don't feel the urge
Now don't get me wrong
I am still purging
Only now it has gone from 10 times a day to more like 3 or 4 times a day
That's good right?
Well you would think so
You would think that I would be delighted to be in better form and purging less
And I am
Kind of
The only thing is along with the good effects come some not so welcome effects
What is the one thing we eating disordered people dread more than anything else?
What is the one thing that strikes fear in to our hearts?
Yes you've guessed it
Our number one nemesis
Dun, dun dunnnnn!
Weight gain
At first I hardly noticed it
I haven't been weighing myself and Mary hasn't been weighing me too much either
Then I was in the shower at the weekend and I just felt bigger
Like I was taking up more space
I can usually tell from feeling my hip bones if I've gained or lost weight and on inspection they were noticably less sharp and pointy
So I decided to weigh myself
To my shock and horror the number was up quite a bit
I was quite disgusted with myself and vowed not to eat or drink a think until my weight was back down in a 'safe' range
An hour later I had calmed down and realised how stupid that vow was
Ok, my weight is up
But I'm still underweight
I'm still fitting in my clothes
I asked everyone around me if I looked like I had gained weight and they all said no (But they would say that wouldn't they?)
So I looked at why I was gaining weight
Here's the evidence
Exhibit #1: I am purging less, therefore I am keeping more food down, hence weight gain
Exhibit#2: I am in better form therefore less focused on weight loss
Exhibit#3: I have recently started on a new medication, this could be effecting my weight
Anyway
Now that I have gained weight how do I deal with it?
Logically I know that it is not a huge amount (About 7 pounds)
Logically I know that nothing in my life has changed but my weight
This does not effect who I am
It just means that I take up a little bit more space
At this point it is very tempting to say fuck it and stop eating completely
But where would that get me?
The ugly truth is that this is not my first rodeo
I have been on the weight loss/weight gain merry-go-round for over 10 years
Lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, gain........
I could go a weight loss mission and worry my family to death
I could hate myself and every inch of my recently expanded body
I could look in the mirror and cry as I watch my hip bones be engulfed by fat
But you know what?
I'm not going to
I'm just not going to
Maybe this is the Prozac talking but I am in better form for the first time in years and dammit I am not going to let my ED ruin that
I am not going to be tricked in to hating myself again
I'm not going to lose weight only to be told that it's not enough
I'm not going to absolutely wreck my head about every pound gained
I just can't handle that right now
Weight fluctuates and mine seems to really fluctuate
And usually my mood and self esteem fluctuates with it
But this time I am just going to go with it
My ED wants me dead
Of that I have no doubt
For the first time in a long time I feel like I may have a future
I may have a chance to live a normal life
Maybe even a happy life
I'm not going to let a few pounds ruin that
I'm not going to have a complete meltdown because I don't look a certain way
This does not come naturally to me
My instinct is to lose weight
I am making a conscious decision not to
Why is that we strive to be so thin?
Why is that we don't consider ourselves sick unless we are emaciated?
Why do we punish ourselves day in day out?
Why is smaller better?
I guess the answer is that it's all part of the illness
Our EDs tell us that we are not sick enough
Not thin enough
We are bomarded with images every single day
Of beautiful stick thin girls
And we are told that this is what we should aspire to
It's wrong
So very wrong
So I wanted to know what you think
Have a look at these two photos
Is there a difference?
Can you tell that I've gained weight?
Taken 2 months and a few kilos ago
Taken today
