As I walk in to the surgery, I see my usual doctor's car pull in
My first thought was that he was back
But when he got out of the car he was wearing shorts and a hoody
Unusual to see him in casual clothes
I kind of forget that he has a whole life outside being a doctor
He is actually a keen surfer
This part of the country is a haven for beach goers and surfers
'Hi Ruby, how are you?' he says
'Good thanks, how are you doing. is your back ok?'
'It's a lot better thanks, I hope to be back next week'
I walk in to the surgery
I have no idea what doctor I'm seeing today
An older man calls my name
As I follow him down the corridor he drops a letter
I pick it up and say 'Hey, you dropped this'
He practically snaps it out of my hand and doesn't say thank you
Ok
I think I will call this one Not very nice doctor
I sit down
'How are things?' he asks
'Yea ok' I say
He spends a few minutes on the computer
It's very disconcerting to know that as I sit there he reading all about me
All my notes
My diagnosis
My weight
Everything
He doesn't say much else
In fact he seems royally pissed off about something
Or maybe that is just his manner, I don't know
He fills out my scripts and that's that
I don't think about the meds I'm on a lot but the past couple of days I have been
I'm on a few medications
Methadone
Mirtazapine (anti depressant)
Olanzapine ( this is an anti psychotic but I am prescribed it for anxiety)
Midon (for low blood pressure)
I've been on methadone for about 9 years now
I started on 70mls and over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
I am very heavily dependant on it both physically and psychologically
Sometimes I have a fear that for some reason I won't be able to get it
Without it I would be in a world of pain within 48 hours
That scares me
To be so dependant on something
Taking my methadone is the first thing that I do every morning
I can't remember what life is like without it
I don't get a feeling off it but it can make me drowsy especially combined with the other meds
To be honest I am terrified to come off it
I dread that day and I continue to put it off
I fear that I won't I won't be able to cope and I will relapse back on to heroin
It has helped me though
It is like a stepping stone between the drug and being completely clean
They say that it's harder to come off methadone than it is to come off heroin
I would agree with this
In my experience it is more difficult to get clean off synthetic, man made drugs than it is coming off something natural like heroin
The detox is longer and the symptoms are worse
I've been on anti depressants for years but have only been on mirtazapine since 2011
It is notorious for having weight gain as a side effect
In the first few months of taking it I gained 30 pounds reaching an all time high weight
My mother says that at that time I looked very bloated at that time
I stayed at that weight for about 18 months
The other day I came across photos of myself at the weight
It didn't suit me at all and I think I looked a lot heavier than 130lbs
I remember being so uncomfortable in my own skin at that time
I hated my body
Absolutely hated it
Thinking back I don't know how I got through that 18 months
And because I now looked normal, people presumed that I was ok
I wasn't underweight so I must be doing fine
But if anything it was the exact opposite
I was still restricting
Still purging
Still mentally unstable
I was just as sick as I was when I was underweight
Then one day someone commented that I had lost weight
I immediately weighed myself and I had lost almost a stone
This triggered a relapse back in to anorexia
I haven't reached that weight since too and I vowed never again
I've come to the conclusion that I actually look heavier than I am
Even now I am technically underweight but I think I look like I am of average weight
I don't see an underweight person
Not at all
I've been on olanzapine for years also
Again it has a side effect of weight gain although I haven't experienced that
I was first prescribed it during my first hospitalisation in 2008
Combined with the other meds it does make me quite sleepy but I like that
I like being able to fall asleep whenever I want
I can escape when things get too much
I remember when I was in hospital I used to see the other patients lining up to get their meds
I actually felt jealous
I wanted to be on meds too
I complained that I couldn't sleep and was immediately put on a sleeping tablet (zimovaine)
It shocked me a bit how easily they prescribed meds
For me I think that the placebo effect plays a big part
Just taking the pill makes me feel better
Over the years I have been on various pills and potions
I haven't been medication free for as long as I can remember
Being an addict I seek out instant gratification and pills can provide that
They can take the edge off life
Wrap you in cotton wool
The can make life bearable
In reality I know that taking a pill is not going to make me better
I know that it's more complicated than that
Yes, meds have a place but in combination with other therapy
I think for depression things like and diet, exercise and talking are just as important of not more important than meds
I think I could probably do with the Olanazpine and the Mirtazapine but I would be reluctant to come off them
From time to time I do misuse my meds
Up until quite recently I had abused them for years
I would take all my meds over 2 or 3 days but that would leave me with no meds for a few days
So I started to take them properly
I just like the idea that if things get really tough, I can take a little white pill and all the nastiness will melt away
Really I should be finding other ways to cope but so far I haven't been able to do that
I went through a period of buying meds online
Mostly valium
But I had to stop after I crashed my car after I fell asleep behind the wheel
So I collected my meds today and when I got home I realised that I had extra tablets
My first reaction was to take the extra ones and sleep the day away
But I know that my mother gets really stressed when I do that so I didn't
I was a good little drug addict and took them as prescribed
The binging an purging came to an abrupt end yesterday
I hope and pray that it stays that way
The kilo I gained disappeared by night fall
It wasn't the kilo that scared
It was the thought that my weight gain would spiral out of control
So I am back at a safe weight
For now
I was wondering about you?
Are you on medication?
If so, how do you find it?
Do you have any unpleasant side effects?
